Life Goes On...

Alex's Due Date...

2012-02-09T22:43:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was Alex's due date. It was a day filled with heavy heartache of all the thoughts of what life could be like. I had many heart felt emails and text messages offering love and support. While it is not expected it really is very appreciated. It helps me to know the feelings I feel are validated, and others realize the actual pain we are feeling. So thank you to all who thought of us.

To show of our love and remembrance for Alex we visited the cemetery, and released balloons to Heaven. Marlee and Jordyn picked out which balloon they each wanted to send, and while it was quick, because it was wet and cold, it was sweet and peaceful.

We love you Alex, and not one day goes by that we don't think about your place in our family. Watch over us little angel, and help us to be with you and Demree again some day.

Living In My Head...

2012-01-31T10:38:00.000-07:00

I have been realizing how little I blog anymore. When I first started this blog I rarely came across a thought I didn't share, and I actually prided myself on it. These days I have a hard time even posting twice a month. It's not that I am not over filled with thoughts, because I have plenty, but I think it's a couple different things.

First, I feel my thoughts are very scattered, and hard to compile. In a given day I may start at least three things at one time without finishing. As we speak I am sure breakfast is still out because I was in the middle of cleaning it up, and I myself forgot to eat breakfast. Even during conversation I some times have a hard time connecting one thought to the next to get a message across. I am sure this comes across mostly while I am working or simply trying to tell Nate about the days events. I just become easily distracted. Luckily for me I have understanding employers and a patient husband. :)

Second, I have always tried to blog mostly positive, but with life events I have found this to be difficult. I struggle, and I don't always feel the need to be a downer. Not a downer for those who read my blog now, nor do I want to be a downer for my posterity. There for I choose not to share if I don't feel that I can offer a positive spin, and frankly some days positive spins feel like a hope for the next day.

Mostly I feel the biggest reason I live in my head is because some thoughts and realities are just too much to say out loud. The uncontrollable aspects and/thoughts of life, especially my life, are just too scary to share with the masses. Some times it will still take me days to talk with Nate or my mom about the things that are eating at me. I always feel better after I do, because for the most part when things live in your head they tend to become bigger than yourself. Well at least this is true for me, so by talking about them is usually my quickest way to diffusing them and then they at least become bearable again.

In an effort to get back to the me that loves to write/blog I thought I would spout out some thoughts as they come to me. Good luck readers... this could get interesting to say the least.

My girls are getting old. They are growing, learning, and thriving. This is wonderful, but I feel so far out of the baby stage. In a lot of ways there are many opportunities because of this, but since this has been chosen for us instead of us being able to make this choice for our family it can be very depressing.

I guess that brings me to my next thought. I hate feeling like I am wasting away these precious moments I have left with my small children because I fixate on what I am missing. This is not fair to them, and brings me a lot of guilt. I realize this is all about balance, but realizing and making some thing a reality are two different things.

On a completely different note or tangent... I am undecided on how I feel about having a LDS candidate run for president. Not that I don't think he is completely capable or that he is misrepresenting the church, I just feel it opens up the church for a lot of scrutiny. I would say most of the media has been very informative in helping to bust common myths about the LDS faith, but some articles are still harsh, and I feel paint members as misinformed sheep who simply follow without asking questions. I guess if anything it is allowing me and many members to re-affirm their faith on why we follow what we do. For me this has made me crave the knowledge that I get from attending church on Sunday, especially from attending Sunday School. We have great instructors right now, and I feel my testimony strengthened every week. This helps while wading through what may come my way during the rest of the week. So I guess the exposure is a good thing, and just requires all members of the LDS faith to step up and be examples of Christ like love and acceptance.

Well that about does it. I can say that I do feel better getting back on the blog wagon even when I feel I don't have much to offer it. Thanks for sticking with me.

Mimi Does Wear Pants...

2012-01-20T08:17:00.000-07:00

**Warning** This story is a little racy, but too good not to share/document!

While I was working yesterday Jordyn drew a picture of her Mimi. She then came into mine and Papa's office to show Papa. He asked her what she drew and she proudly proclaimed without skipping a beat,

"this is Mimi, and here is her hoo-hoo (this is how we refer to our girl parts in our family)."

She then pointed to a little line she had drawn between the persons legs. While trying not to giggle too much I told her how nice her picture was, but we don't draw hoo-hoos in pictures because Mimi wears pants to cover it up. She then folded her picture up, and said "now she is covered". I am so glad Jordyn was quick to offer the Mimi picture a modest option.

I am sure this has everything to do with Marlee's current UTI, and all the hoo-hoo and potty talk that has come with it, but oh three year olds... how I love their innocence.

Year End Wrap Up...Not So Much

2011-12-31T23:59:00.002-07:00

I usually try to wrap up the year with a post that sums up our family's year in a couple paragraphs. It is nice for the blog book, and it gives some closure to the year so the next one feels like a fresh start.

The reason I am so tardy on this (as you can see I am back posting this to Dec. 31st), is that I just can't bring myself to look back on the year, and even try to to sum it up. How can you condense the emotion that a life changing year such as this has caused? I for one cannot.

Sad part is that I don't think I will be making many resolutions or goals for the New Year either, because that would require looking too far into the future. That is just too difficult at this point as well. So for now I am here in the now, and looking forward only to the next day, and controlling what I can for that day... anything else is overwhelming, and counter productive. I guess this is how a control freak like myself copes when their life plan goes so far off track from where they thought it would be.

That being said, I am still very hopeful for a healthy, happy, and healing New Year. Here's to 2012!!

Christmas 2011

2011-12-30T16:49:00.001-07:00

I will give you a quick run down of Christmas, and then let the pictures do the rest. This year we celebrated with all three sides of our families at various times. Also, as usual, we all were spoiled with awesome gifts that we are sure to get much use out of.

From Santa the girls got a Barbie house, Lala Loopsy dolls, Barbies, and Barbie movies. From Nana & Pappa Marlee got a mosaic art kit, and Jordyn got a fun new game. From Mimi & Papa they both got Leapsters, and some new clothes. From G-ma Suzie & G-pa Dave they both got wiggle cars. This does not even cover the numerous gifts they got from us, their cousins, aunts, and uncles. Like I said... SPOILED!

We again spent the night on Christmas Eve at my parents house as we have done since we were married nine years ago. New to our traditional Christmas schedule, we were able to light candles at the cemetery for both our babies on Christmas Eve. The cemetery is gorgeous at Christmas, and has such a warm, peaceful feeling about it.

With out further wait, here is a little piece of our Christmas in pictures. We hope everyone feels as blessed as we do at Christmas time. Although this year has been hard, we still feel so fortunate... SO very fortunate.

Customize your own free digital slideshow

December Is A Blur...

2011-12-28T09:54:00.002-07:00

December is a blur. We seriously go, go, go from one event to the next. What better way to share what we have been doing than with pictures...

Marlee had three different singing performances with her performance group. She loves it! Not to be bias, but she is pretty good too. She kinda hogs the microphone, there for you can hear her load and clear. We love listening to her, and especially love watching her come out of her shell, and develop this talent. The first pic is with her cute friend Sierra who is in the group with her...

Christmas dresses...

Santa pic 2011...

We went to see the lights at Temple Square with my whole family! Yep, even my brothers!! We rode the train down, and made a night of it. The temple and grounds were beautiful as always...

Marlee and Jordyn also had their Winter Dance Recital. This was Jordyn's first dance recital, and it was entertaining to say the least. Jor spent her second dance number on her tummy sliding back and forth on the stage. She really could have cared less that numerous people were watching... it was hilarious. Marlee did awesome at the recital! She has improved a lot and tried her best to remember, and execute all the steps. Mar even takes the time to make sure Halle is in just the right spot before the dance number begins... SO Marlee. Here are my dancing queens...

On top of all of the above, we have had countless parties, dinners, and a preschool program to attend. It is exhausting, but I have racked my brain on how to simplify the season, and I have come up with nothing. I guess we can't complain that we are SO blessed to have lots of family and friends who want to spend time with us... not such a bad place to be.

Demree's First Birthday

2011-12-21T08:12:00.000-07:00

On December 2nd we celebrated Demree's first birthday/angel day. It's a different feeling knowing it has been an entire year since you held your sweet, sleeping baby in your arms. In some ways it seems like it's been much longer because your arms ache to hold them just one more time, and in other ways it feels like yesterday because the emotion is so fresh.

I feel triumphant knowing I survived the first year after losing a baby, but I also feel sorrow knowing I am still in the midst of surviving my first year after losing my second baby. If nothing else I guess I am realizing how much more I am capable of than I ever imagined.

Demree's birthday ended up being a busy day due to Nate's parents' carbon monoxide scare. We were still able to go to dinner with Marlee and Jordyn, and then they picked out little gifts to place on her grave.

We love you Demree, and not a day goes by where we don't think about you. Happy Birthday!

Safe and Sound...

2011-12-11T00:00:00.000-07:00

On Friday, December 2nd, Nate's dad and April experienced a close call with carbon monoxide poisoning. Nate's sister, Emilie, wrote of the account on her blog, and I won't even try to duplicate her amazing effort. I have shared this story with many, but want it on our blog so my family can always look back at the Lord's tender hand in our lives. Here is the link to her blog...

http://thinkingaudibly.blogspot.com/2011/12/if-ever-you-doubt.html

We are so grateful this holiday season for the protection offered to Dave and April. I also want to make note of how thankful we are for our Heavenly Father, our Savior, and the Holy Ghost. We know that Heavenly Father is mindful of each one of us, and has a plan for each of His children.

Surprise... We're Going To Disneyland!!!

2011-12-10T11:00:00.001-07:00

We really had no intentions of visiting Disneyland this year, but if there is one thing I have learned it's that intentions and plans can change at a moments notice. Right after I was delivered the heart breaking news about Alex at my impromptu ultrasound, the only thing I could think about wanting to do was go to Disneyland. This is not because I am a die hard Disney fanatic. This is because I wanted to give my kids a consolation prize for the disappointment they would feel of losing another chance at being big sisters. For myself I wanted to go to Disneyland to try, and pretend that I wasn't an adult for a minute. Lucky for us, with some loving help, we ended up booking a trip to see Mickey the week before Thanksgiving.

We didn't tell the girls we were going until we got to the airport. They really thought we were just going to the cabin or St. George. Marlee was so excited, and thrilled at the new plan. For quite a few months prior she had been telling us how much she really wanted to go to Disneyland again. Jordyn, on the complete opposite end of the spectrum, was much more concerned with when she was going to get to play with her mermaid doll (from the dollar store) that was still tucked away in her carry on bag. Oh Jordyn... you keep life interesting.

Disneyland is magical for children, but I think Disneyland at Christmas time is extra magical. The decorations, the featured rides ('It's A Small World' sings "Jingle Bells" and the puppets are in Christmas attire and Haunted Mansion is decked out like 'Nightmare Before Christmas'), the characters dressed in Christmas attire, the foam snow on Main street, and the parade (yes I said parade) was even well worth our time... everything was tweaked with holiday magic.

Our girls were almost perfect ages. With the help of Jordyn's high healed church shoes, they were both able to go on almost every ride (40" is the magical number for most Disney rides). Our girls also just happen to be ride junkies. They love them all, and are never scared to try any of them. Other than one very rainy afternoon the weather was great, and the crowds were what we expected. It was a great experience, and I am glad our little family got to do it together.

***Notice how often Jordyn puts her hands in her mouth in pics or flat out WON'T look at the camera... such a goober.

Note: I know my butt looks like a shelf in this one, but (literally) I am taking one for the team.

This sleeping picture takes my breath away... they were completely out.

The Before & After...

2011-11-25T17:21:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I spent some time thinking about last Thanksgiving. Last Thanksgiving was the last holiday before we lost Demree. I can't help, but think of it as the last holiday of the before me. It was the last holiday I spent in the bliss of feeling I knew what my future had in store. Then one short week later my life changed forever... my forever changed forever.

It's so hard to put into words the way it feels to know you will never be your former self. Even when I look at pictures with me in them I find myself deciphering if it is the before me or the after me. Not to say that your new self is worse off or insufficient, but sometimes it's hard not to miss all the ignorance that came with your old self.

I do feel that the person who I am today does not sweat the small stuff. I feel there is very little, short of losing loved ones, that would make a dent in me. Don't get me wrong, I am not standing here on my pedestal telling the world to "bring it", and I still feel picked on at times by the small stuff, but after saying goodbye to two babies certain trials just feel more like mole hills instead of mountains. My former self might have felt other wise. I hate that in order to be in this place I have had to go through what I have, but it's a peaceful perspective to have.

This is not to say that I am at peace with our losses yet, or at peace with the unknown of our future. The unknown and what could have beens are constant thoughts in my head. With Demree I lost a baby...our baby, with Alex I not only lost another sweet baby, but I lost any feeling of control over my existence. I mourn this loss almost as much as my babies.

On a much more appreciative note, I am thankful for so much. I/we have families who love, and support us dearly. Even more so I have a mother who would walk through fire if she knew it could bring me comfort. I have a husband who is my true partner, and makes me feel together we can do anything. How many can really say that? I have two amazing earthly daughters who give me purpose, and make me rejoice daily that they are here and that they have each other. Last but not least, I have two celestial daughters who's spirits and influence I can feel in our lives daily.

I truly give thanks to a loving Heavenly Father for all of my many blessings.

Halloween 2011

2011-11-07T20:56:00.000-07:00

Oh what can I say about Halloween. If you ask Nate he will say I am a "hater" when it comes to Halloween, but I really am not. Would a hater take the time to dress up?!! I think not. As fun as it is, this year it just seemed never ending. With all the parties, and trunk or treats I really can't count how many times I put my girls in their costumes. Which I guess on the bright side means we got our money's worth out of them! I do love how much my kids love it, and even more how much Nate loves it. He whipped out three different costumes this year just for himself! Now don't you worry folks, we went to three different stores for their day after Halloween deals so he can be fully equipped for next year... silly man. ;)

"Ariel" (Complete with sprayed red hair... her favorite part!)

"Barbie Princess Charm School" (Only the latest and greatest in the riveting collection of Barbie films. ;)

This is one of those pictures that's worth a thousand words. It nails my girls' personalities... "poser" and "are we done yet?"

"Abraham Lincoln" & "A Hershey Kiss" (I did the makeup for dead Abe and I think I nailed it, but Nate gets the real credit for putting a lot of thought into all the details.)

Pumpkin carving with Mimi. Our first official year tackling this little tradition.

Ready to hit the streets for ACTUAL trick or treating! Finally!!

No Recognition...

2011-10-28T15:06:00.002-06:00

Thank you Utah Department of Health for making me realize that if I could have just kept my babies little hearts beating for two and three more weeks, then I could have gotten STILL birth certificates for them. I guess it's not recognized that I had to be induced into labor, labored for MANY hours, delivered them when I was dilated, held them in my arms, touched their faces, counted their toes and fingers, gave them names, and buried them in the ground. BUT I guess this isn't enough for them or me to get the recognition we all deserve. Thank you Utah Department of Health for making me feel as if my girls were no more than a medical procedure.

Walk to Remember...

2011-10-20T23:52:00.011-06:00

On Saturday we attended the Walk to Remember. Utah Share hosts this event, and it's purpose is to remember all of the babies who left too soon. Share is such an inspired organization, and one that is obviously close to my heart.

Along with the program is a short walk to symbolize the steps our babies will never take, and a balloon release. Your baby's name and a personal message is tied to a balloon just for your precious angel. It was so nice to hear each of our daughters names read, and feel as if they were getting their well deserved recognition. It was a beautiful day, and we had ample support from our family members. I left with my heart warmed, and feeling as if we had reached a milestone.

This was Alex's balloon... it needed a little extra help to make it all the way to Heaven. :)

October 15th is also Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Day. So at 7:00pm we lit candles at the cemetery for Demree, Alex, and all their Heavenly friends. The hope is to have a continuous wave of light for these precious little beings... SO comforting.

We also took them their pumpkins. ;)

Extra Curricular Activities...

2011-10-13T10:00:00.003-06:00

I have failed to mention the extra curricular activities our family has been embarking on this Fall.

Marlee is doing dance again, and this year we went back to where we started with Teacher DeeDee. This seems to be a good fit. Halle is still attending dance with Mar, and she LOVES it there... win, win for us all. Marlee also started in a singing performance group that my talented friend Sarah puts on. Marlee loves to sing, and memorizes songs so well that I am excited to possibly cultivate a talent here. I also think it will help her come out of her shy shell a little more, and build confidence... we can't get enough of that. Marlee has also become very inquisitive about the world around her, and our world to come. I'm sure this comes from having to experience death at such a young age. We are always happy to answer her questions, and extremely happy she feels comfortable enough to ask them. I love our semi adult conversations, and they make me realize how much she is like me. That one is definitely 5 going on 25. ;)

Jordyn started dance this year with Teacher DeeDee as well. I have to admit she doesn't seem as into it as Marlee did at her age, but she loves to go and she loves she gets to go with her besty Logan. She does talk about dance moves here, and there, so I am not counting her out yet. Lets just say it should be interesting watching her perform this December. Jordyn says the funniest things, and makes up the best stories. Her stories consist of half real life events, and the other half of made up concoctions. She has the best imagination, and says grown up words like "sure" and "actually" constantly. Examples would be "actually I don't need to go potty", and if you ask her for a bite of something she might say "sure you can". Jordyn is very charming, and when she gives you her undivided positive attention, you feel like a million bucks. One on one time is definitely the key to getting to know this little pixie.

Nate is on two different indoor soccer teams, and plays at least one game two different nights a week. When you consider he has been finishing up school and has a grueling work schedule, sometimes it will feel like days until we really get to see him. This has been very difficult for me at this time, but the sacrifice is worth it for how happy it makes him. Also, Nate has been more than supportive for the many breaks and getaways I have frequently taken in the past, so I figure it is his turn. On a VERY POSITIVE note, Nate just finished his last class for his MBA program this week. This will free up a lot of time, and energy for him and for our family. I am SO proud of him, and constantly amazed at how many cylinders he runs on... boggles my mind.

I have been working on re-certifying with my CNA. Really it comes down to I should have never let it expire, and procrastination. I paid for my vouchers to re-test almost two years ago, and they were almost expired. I am happy to announce that I did pass thanks to my cousin Meisha who let me use all her books and equipment to practice. All though I am not going to school any time soon, this is a positive step in that direction. Plus it never hurts to have a couple different back up plans in case the income is ever needed.

Nate and I have also recently been called to be den leaders for the Bears in Cub Scouts. I have mixed feelings on this one. Mostly because I feel some days I can barely keep it together for myself, and our little family (I poured hot water on my cereal instead of Jor's oatmeal the other day). Adding a fairly large time commitment and responsibility on top of that might just put me over the edge, but I am trying to have faith that maybe the extra busy is what I really need right now to keep my mind preoccupied. I guess we will see... it's in the Lord's hands now. :)

Many Parts to Loss...

2011-10-11T15:35:00.004-06:00

It is tremendously hard to write about the many pieces that come into play when grieving a loss. I don't pretend to be an expert on loss in general, but I have a pretty good perspective on what it is like to lose a baby before you even get to officially meet. This is not to say I am an expert on how everyone who experiences these losses will grieve. Having a stillborn is a very personal, case by case experience, but I am sure there are some similarities to be found in every situation. The following are emotions, and observations I have made through my experience. I hate to drag you all into my head, but in order to have a record for my family I need to put it all into words. I have considered not publishing this post as I have done in the past, but my other hope is to educate those on all the parts they might not think about, and maybe comfort someone else in my shoes.

First, I hate my clothes. Silly huh? I realize the last thing that should be on my mind is how much I hate what's in my closet, but everyday I feel as if my ward rope is a steady reminder of what I have lost. My closet consists of a mismatched blend of skinny clothes, fat clothes, maternity clothes, and wore out old clothes. I have been pregnant on and off since July of 2010. My weight has fluctuated more times than I can count. Since I have had baby on the brain since the Spring prior to that July, I can count the new pieces of clothes I have invested in since then on less than one hand. Truly this is insignificant in the scheme of things. If I had to wear a potato sack for the rest of my life just to have a chance to get even one of my babies back... I would belt the waste, and sign on the dotted line. Since this is not the case I continue to try and get my body back into a place where more of those clothes fit than don't.

This brings me to my next battle... getting back in shape. You would think it should be easier since with my last two babies I have only gained a fraction of what I gain full term, but I have found it harder. This is mostly because I can't nurse away the lbs, and it is so hard to wrap your brain around that fact that you need to diet when you know you "should" still be pregnant. I also consider myself an emotional eater, and when life is so emotionally hard I feel as if I should get treats. To bawl your eyes out all day, and then not be able to "sweeten" the pain away feels like a punishment.

Next, people ask often "how are you doing?". Most of the time I say "good", "okay", or "fine", which some of the time is true. I do find "good", "okay", and "fine" moments with in every single day. Remember I do have two amazing daughters here that make me smile, laugh, and give me purpose. They are the reason I can get up in the morning. They are the reason I try not to cry every minute of the day. They are the reason I keep going. During the times I am not "good", I pretend. "Fake it til you make it" I tell myself. I am hoping one day I will feel enough peace about what has happened, where I am at currently, and where my future might go that I don't have to fake it.

It is incredibly hard to mourn the loss of what might have been. I often wonder about Demree and Alex's personalities, eye color, and what their giggles might sound like. These thoughts make my arms ache, and my chest hurt. There is one significant difference I have noticed between their losses. This time, since the moment I saw there was no flickering heart on that screen, I am not only mourning the loss of another baby, another member of my family, but I am also mourning the loss of our future family on this earth. I may not get to use our nursery as a nursery. I may not get to end child birth experience on a positive note. I may not get to nurse again, and feel that bond. There are a lot of things I may not get to do again in this life, and that is a hard pill to swallow.

Thanks again everyone who read until the end of this one. I know it isn't easy... it's in my head all the time. If I have learned anything it is that I am loved. Our family is loved, and that is always reassuring.

My 18 Year Old Boyfriend Just Turned 30...

2011-09-27T09:25:00.000-06:00

Yep that's right. My little Nate, who was all of 18 1/2 years when we started dating, just turned 30! In some ways the fact that we have been together forever seems more amazing than the fact that he is no longer a twenty something. Anyways, I had BIG intentions for this milestone of Nate's, but than life happened, and well... some day I will make it up to him.

On Saturday I took him to do IFLY, which is indoor skydiving. I got him a groupon for Father's Day, and it seemed like a good time to use it. We followed it up with a tasty dinner with far to many calories. Yesterday for his actual birthday the girls and I sang him "Happy Birthday" on the phone, gave him his Gears of War video game, and Marlee made him a countless number of thoughtful cards. That evening we went to dinner with Nate's mom and Dave, and then we watched him play a double header indoor soccer game... he does pretty good out there for an old man. ;)

Last but not least her are some pics of Nate (and me) as I knew him. I love this man, and I am more than thrilled that we have been able to grow up together.

Our infamous senior prom picture of blue black hair, and too much tanning bed skin. Whatever... we still look hot... ethnic, but hot.

Yep that is Toby. This picture was taken right after I gave him to Nate for Christmas in 2000, and yes below is me with my ugly as sin short hair... still glad Nate didn't dump me for that one. He still asks me to never go that short again... agreed.

This was our engagement picture that was on our invitation taken Fall of 2002.

Here we are as newlyweds. I am not quite sure on the date of this one, but I think it was sometime in the first year. Look, we were both still wearing our wedding rings. ;)

This is 4th of July 2005. This is right before I got pregnant with Marlee, after nearly a year and a half of wanting to be pregnant. Crazy time in life, but we still had fun.

Oh memories... you also know what else this means? In roughly nine months I will be joining him. That's okay... thirty, flirty, and thriving right? ;)

Jordyn Starts Preschool!

2011-09-20T13:08:00.001-06:00

A couple weeks ago Jordyn started preschool. She, like Marlee, will be attending Miss Mary's as one of her little lambs. Jordyn was more than ready... wish I could say the same for myself.

When preschool is over for the day Miss Mary has the kids stand with their hand on the garage while they wait for their turn to be loaded into their car. The first time I saw Jordyn standing with her little hand on the garage waiting, looking so big, it took everything I had not to go snatch her up, give her back her binki, and ask her if she wouldn't mind wearing diapers again, or if maybe I could just swaddle her with a blanket. Don't worry I restrained myself... very reluctantly.

This picture captures Marlee and Jordyn's relationship dynamic almost perfectly. Love it.

We love you baby girl, and are so proud of the little girl you are turning into!

Broken...

2011-09-11T17:58:00.000-06:00

On early Friday morning, September 2nd, I was up in Park City waking up from our annual Swiss Days overnight stay with my mom and friends. My sleep had been restless at best so I decided to calm my nerves I would use my doppler to check on our baby. I looked patiently for a steady heartbeat, but only found inconsistent readings. I put down the doppler to get in the shower. At this point I was starting to panic. I found myself praying through tears in the shower that I was being irrational. When I got out I tried to pull it together as not to disrupt the day. I obviously am not good at this, and my mom knew of my fear so she suggested we go to a clinic in town and get an ultrasound to ease my frantic mind. I agreed.

Navigating Park City was a joke. Everything looks the same, and it was too early to ask anyone for directions. I really wanted a clinic in an effort to save money, but when we called one we found out they didn't open until 8:00am and she wasn't sure if they had an ultrasound machine. Unfortunately this individual was so ill informed she didn't even know the address to the hospital... we were on our own. After being led astray by the GPS once, we pulled into the parking lot to a school to decide what to do. All the while I am using my doppler, but the readings were still so inconsistent. By inconsistent I mean the heart rate would spike and then come back down to what would be considered my pulse rate. We decided to leave the school parking lot, and head towards the outlets. Not a half a mile out of the school we saw a blue hospital sign. We followed it with relief, and pulled into the ER sure to ease crazy Brianne's mind.

I was in tears as we entered the ER. My mom and I went right up to admit and my mom requested firmly she needed to pay for an ultrasound, and explained briefly my medical history. The admit clerk was very kind, and said we would need a doctors order, but they weren't very busy and could accommodate me fast. I was lead straight back by a doctor, a nurse, and an orderly. The doctor went over my history, and asked if I had any bleeding, cramping, contractions, or recent accident. I answered no, but explained about the readings I was getting on my doppler. She said she had already ordered an ultrasound and they had a hospital doppler ready to see what they could find.

The nurse began to administer the doppler as I lay there. At first she too could only pick up my pulse rate, but then she started to get some higher readings. No sound, but at least readings she was picking up. She then explained how it will be interesting to see where the baby and the placenta are positioned, because that could be why it was so hard to get a reading. As they wheeled me into ultrasound, I felt a little more hopeful. I kept relying on at least the nurse saw something. This faded fast as the ultrasound tech began. Instead of immediately showing me the heartbeat, she told me she was going to take some measurements. After losing Demree I knew this was a bad sign. I quickly asked with a crackled voice if she could see a heartbeat, to which she soberly replied "I don't".

At this point I can't remember how loud I cried out. I'm sure it was a lot louder in my head than it actually was. Through tears I asked my crying mother to call Nate who didn't even know I was at the hospital... I didn't want to have to worry him. She stepped out and did so while the tech continued to take measurements. I knew our baby's size would be close to where it should because I had good fetal heart tones not even two days prior. Our baby's death was recent. Our baby was measuring seventeen weeks as it should, and I didn't even have to be told that I would have to deliver again. I knew it.

The doctors then proceeded to have radiologists look at the ultrasound to be sure, and they also tried to contact my doctor who I later found out was out of town. The radiologists came to the same conclusion which was no shock to me... I had seen our still child with my own eyes. Next I talked to my doctor, Julia, over the phone who was in Lake Powell. She urged me to wait until she could get back. I struggled with this, but knew I would have to wait a little while because my regular hospital was very full. I left my conversation with Julia with not being sure of our plans, but expecting a call back from her or her office. I could tell she was as astonished as me. She said she has never had two fetal demises at almost the exact same gestation. All I could think was this is not something I wanted to be in the record books for.

Of course Nate could not stay away from me even though I was soon to be released from the hospital in Park City. His dad drove him to me, and he was there right before I was able to leave. Oh how I love this man. My heart breaks for the pain I know he has suffered. Even in the worst of situations I feel comforted in his presence... he is my rock.

On the drive home Julia's office called me and told me they had my induction scheduled for Sunday night. I asked if there was any way to do it earlier, and they said Julia really wanted to be there so I reluctantly agreed.

Since our original plans included going to the cabin for the extended weekend, we decided to send the girls anyways. As much as I wanted to have them home, because it makes me feel better, it would have been selfish. No child needs to see their parent that sad, that out of it, that lost. I then spent the next two days as a walking tomb, while Nate tried to take care of me. It was hard, and that is an understatement. My insides felt crushed, and I had to remind myself to breathe. I also watched my body physically change. My little, hard baby bump was already shrinking, I felt no hunger, and my skin even started to clear. My body was clearly no longer nourishing my baby, and it was apparent.

On Sunday morning I got a call that I didn't answer, and Sunday around noon I got another call from the same number. This time I listened to the messages, and found out it was the hospital informing me of a miscommunication. Julia would not be back for a day longer than they expected, so if I wanted to have her there I would need to schedule for Monday night, but if I wanted to use her partner on call I could stick with our original plan. My heart sunk. I really wanted Julia to be there, but I really knew I couldn't wait another twenty-four hours. I decided to use her partner, and then we asked if I could come any sooner. They said any time, so with in an hour or two we were off.

After we arrived at the hospital, and were admitted, Nate asked if I could have another ultrasound just to be sure. My nurse, Renae (same nurse who delivered Marlee and is the mother of my best friend from high school), said that would be fine. This ultrasound tech was much more sympathetic to our situation, and asked before she started if we wanted to know what she was doing while she was doing it. I liked that I would know what she was measuring, and I found this part very helpful. So there again I stared at the screen as she showed us our still baby. She took many measurements, and our baby was measuring 17 weeks 1 day. I asked her to tell us if she could see what the gender was since we had originally planned to not find out. She said since the baby isn't moving it is hard because you only get one angle, but asked if we would like her to guess. I said yes, and she said her best guess is "girl". I told her she was probably right since that is all we make, something that I am really so proud of. From there, with our minds at ease, we went back to my room so I could officially be started.

Before they started the drugs, Nate and his dad gave me a Priesthood blessing. I am always thankful, especially at times like these, for the Priesthood being so present in my life. The next nine hours consisted of cramping, chills, beeping machines, and very little sleep so I wouldn't take a chance of missing anything. At around 3:00am I felt, and heard a pop. My water had broke. I called my nurse in immediately and she checked me to reveal I was dilated to a 5, and they thought they could feel a hand or a foot. Next they placed an epidural which I really didn't need, but if you don't get it and the placenta doesn't detach, you take the risk of having surgery right away to remove it. Time is SO precious with these little babies it is just not worth the risk of losing one minute.

At 3:42am on September 5th, 2011, I gave birth to our second celestial daughter, Alex Beth. She weighed 5 oz and was 7 1/2 inches long... same length as Demree. She came out with the cord wrapped loosely around her arm, but everything else was normal including her cord and placenta. Alex was perfect looking. All of her features and parts were so tiny yet SO perfect... all she needed was more time to grow. At this point I was thankful for the time spent before the hospital to mourn. I really felt like I could take her in to the fullest.

Share came to the hospital to make foot molds and take pictures of our sweet baby. Both of the women who came, Toni and Tanya, are my friends on Facebook. They of course felt awful that I was here again in less than a years time. Toni has suffered multiple losses as well, and her insight was very helpful. Again I was astonished at there giving spirits, and only hope to pay it forward one day. Share is truly an inspired program.

After Alex was born, and the doctor got there to look things over I asked him what my options were so I could get some answers. He said they could do chromosome testing, which is very expensive and he doubted we would get any answers since her little body showed no signs of chromosome abnormality. We also had the option of an autopsy, but he doubted they would find anything there either. He also said that after autopsy they can't promise there would be much of her left, and this didn't sit well with me or Nate. For routine purposes they will still autopsy the placenta and cord, but again they are doubtful they will find anything. So for now we are left with mountains of questions that we may never get answers for. This has to be one of the hardest parts.

As the morning went on we knew that it was time to say goodbye to our little one. We were so exhausted, and we knew we still had the task at hand of telling our girls there would be no more baby after Christmas, and that we had another family member in Heaven with Heavenly Father and Jesus. Renae called the mortuary, and since it was a holiday they were short handed. We loved and kissed our little Alex goodbye, and left her in Renae's capable hands until the mortuary could pick her up. Again I will say that leaving the maternity floor empty handed makes for the longest wheel chair ride ever. It is lonely... very lonely.

We picked up our girls, and broke the news. Marlee was pretty upset. Her bottom lip hung out in an effort to hold back her tears. We explained that it is okay to be sad, okay to cry, and reminded her again that Alex is now with Demree in Heaven doing lots of important stuff. I am pretty sure Jordyn understood to best of three year old ability. I know she no longer asks if I have a baby in my tummy, so our message must have been received. They took it like I expected... hard, but kids always take things better than adults. Their innocence helps them to accept what comes, and know it will be okay. As parents this part was so hard for us. Explaining death to such young kids, and also disappointing them that there will be no baby in our house to hold was and is crushing.

The next few days were spent crying, and planning Alex's graveside. We kept the girls going to school, and I did my best to avoid people in general... I still am doing that. On Friday, September 9th, 2011, we laid Alex Beth to rest. She is buried in the plot bordering Demree on the west side. It was a beautiful little service with our immediate family honoring Alex's brief existence on this earth. Nate did a great job dedicating her grave, something I know is so hard for him, but something he would never let anyone else do. I couldn't help but stare at Alex's little casket, and then stare at Demree's gravestone, and then think in disbelief that I really am here doing this again.

Now I wake up every morning full of sorrow that Alex is no longer growing below my heart. I feel broken... my body, my spirit, and most of all my heart. I understand where she is now, and I know this is part of the plan... her plan, the Lord's, and ours. In no way do I feel this is fair, but life isn't. I wanted this baby so bad... maybe more than anyone has ever wanted a baby, or at least I like to think so. I tried to give her a perfect home for her seventeen short weeks of life, and I prayed often for her safe arrival. I now am trying to re-establish what normal is... again.

One thing I do know is that we are loved. We may have the best support system ever. We know if people could they would do ANYTHING to ease our pain. For this we are so very thankful.

Alex, we love you baby... eternally.

Binki... Whatever.

2011-08-25T10:57:00.002-06:00

Hi my name is Brianna, and I am addicted to my kids having a binki. Granted I only allow it when they sleep, and I did take Marlee's away when she was 3 1/2 years old, but up until a couple weeks ago Jordyn still had one. I know that is old, but it is as much of a security to me as it is for them. Having a binki makes them "want" to go to bed or take a nap to have time with their little friend. It also gives me something to hold over their heads when they are being difficult... a real tangible thing that can be taken away. Right, wrong, or indifferent it is the way I feel, and I tend to crutch on it... like I said addicted.

I had every intention this Fall of getting rid of Jordyn's binki. I was waiting until after Summer when travel and events had slowed down. I was going to make it a big deal, like I did with Marlee, and fly it to the moon babies. It's times like the following when you learn just how different your two children from the same genetics are. Jordyn's binki goodbye went down like this...

Jordyn would usually bring her binki up from her room with her in the morning to lay in bed with me. On this particular morning, Nate asked her to take care of it to which she didn't listen... surprise, surprise. Nate then told her that if she didn't take care of her binki that means that she must not need it anymore, to which she agreed. Nate then reiterated that if she didn't take care of her binki she wouldn't get it anymore. She replied with "okay", and went about her day.

That my friends is the grand way the binki made the exit form Jordyn's life. Something I thought for sure she was going to have a hard time living without was dismissed without second thought. Granted she did ask about it a couple times before bed, but with gentle reminder of the choice she made no fits were had. I also think it helped that Jordyn had decided with in the last couple weeks prior that naps were also a thing of the past for her. The big difference I noticed about Marlee and Jordyn after this ordeal is that Marlee needs big, grand efforts to make change okay, and Jordyn just needs it to be her idea... her call.

I know that as the parent I am the supposed to be the teacher, but more than not I am the one being taught. This little milestone proved to be no different. :)

First Trimester... Check

2011-08-10T10:32:00.001-06:00

Today I am fourteen weeks along, and my first trimester is over, so I thought it was time to document it. As far as pregnancy goes, thus far this one really has been breezy. I have been lucky enough to not be sick other than the exhaustion and body aches that come with pregnancy. I like to describe it as the day before you get the flu... you feel kinda crappy, but not quite sick. All VERY tolerable, and I try to have minimal complaints except for to those who have to be around me every day... poor Nate and Kath. ;)

Now the hard part comes with the aching anxiety of not being able to KNOW my baby is okay all. the. time. This has caused me to see my doctor every two weeks instead of four, question every last pain, bubble, or stretch I feel, and wake up in a panic in the middle of the night. I now have a doppler, which makes it possible to hear the baby's heartbeat whenever I want, so this seems to help keep my anxiety at bay... at least a little.

I have to admit announcing our news to family and friends made things a little worse in the anxiety area. So many more people to disappoint, including OUR children, and it made it all the more real... so much more attachment to the idea.

If I had it my way I would have kept it hid until my half way point, but with the rate at which I expand during pregnancy this was not an option. People were already guessing, which was really hard to deal with. I know every one was just excited, and wanted this so bad for us, but I wish some would have just been more patient, and let us announce in our own time. I felt rushed, and more than anything I was trying to protect my kids from anymore heartache. The longer I waited to tell them the better chance we had at not having to disappoint them, and I really wanted them to know before we told the world.

One realization I have come to is that I lost more than just my baby last December. I lost the ability to enjoy pregnancy. Don't get me wrong I feel VERY blessed to have this opportunity to be pregnant again, and there is nothing more I wanted than to be pregnant, but it's not the same as before. I can no longer just look ahead and plan for the future, because of the looming doubts that are ever present in my mind. I have to work hard at always saying "when" we have the baby instead of "if". Each time I allow too much excitement I find myself trying to ground my hopes with the memories of Demree's painful delivery. I am so thrilled to have a little being growing inside of me, but I have never wanted more to speed through time and have it over with. This has been a hard reality to accept, but it is my reality.

Thanks again for all the positive thoughts, prayers, and well wishes coming our way. We feel all of your love, and we are faithful in the Lord's plan for us. Bring on the second trimester... :)

Marlee Is A Kindergartner!!

2011-08-08T14:11:00.001-06:00

Last Tuesday Marlee officially started kindergarten! Yes I know it still Summer, but we belong to a year round school. In some ways I still can't believe I have a child this old, but in most ways her and I were more than ready for her to start. She is still my baby, but she has always been mature for her age so it just seemed natural.

Nate and I both took Marlee to her orientation the week prior to starting for "real" (kindergartners start a week after the rest of the grades for testing). I think it was neat for her to have both parents there, and we were glad to give her that opportunity. The night before school started we went out for ice cream as a family, gave Marlee some special "starting school sparkly hoop earrings", and Nate gave her a wonderful Father's Blessing. During this whole process this is the only time I teared up. I was just so thrilled for her to have the opportunity to receive a beginning of the school year Priesthood blessing.

As I walked her up to the playground outside of school she was ready as can be. I waited and took pictures as her teacher lined them up and led them inside... it was a proud moment. :)

Marlee on orientation day

New special sparkly hoop earrings

First official day standing in front of the school

Marlee and her friend Kaylan who is also our next door neighbor and in Marlee's same class

Standing in line waiting to go in

Running to catch up because she got a little behind in line

Marlee we are so very proud of you, and we know you will excel at school!

We Are Pleased To Announce...

2011-08-01T09:49:00.001-06:00

... that we are expecting another baby! I am almost 13 weeks along, and he/she (again, we will not be finding out the gender) is due February 8th, 2012. We have been into the doctor three times thus far, with a strong, happy heartbeat to show for each visit. :D

After the devastating loss of our Demree, and a hope stomping miscarriage (6 weeks gestation) in March, to say I am nervous is the understatement of the century. For now every day feels like a milestone, one step closer, and I do my best to stay as faithful as possible. I'm sure I will share more of what I feel pregnancy after loss is like in the weeks to come, but for now I want to just bask in the moment of the opportunity to share such an exciting announcement!

Stepping Out Of My Box To Colorado...

2011-07-20T15:56:00.004-06:00

I have had a big goal this summer. This goal being that I was going to do things out of my box/comfort zone to help my kids have some fun experiences. I figured this summer I have nothing holding me back, and my kids have reached good ages to try more things. So far we have taken our kids to two displays of fireworks. I know for some this doesn't seem like much, but for us it crosses over a lot of our boundaries. Boundaries like big crowds, keeping the kids up WAY past bed time, and sitting in traffic when the event is over... all things we usually avoid like the plague, but I have to admit we survived, and for the most part had fun. Maybe not two separate firework shows in one year fun, but probably one annual firework show fun. ;)

This brings me to my latest out of my box adventure. Caravaning to Colorado, an eight plus hour drive for anyone counting, with my sister in laws, Emilie and Annie, my mother in law, and our ten children. Then staying for a week with Annie and Mark to allow my girls to get in some real good cousin time. For anyone who knows me, the fact that I agreed to drive anywhere longer than four hours is a miracle in itself... if you can't tell I am still majorly patting myself on the back for this one. :) I have to admit that I was pleasantly surprised how well the drive actually went. All the kids, including my two who usually whine after twenty minutes in the car, did awesome, but as awesome as it went I was still happy to be able to fly home at the weeks end instead of test my luck again during the drive back.

While we were there we went to a couple local parks, the Denver Zoo, and a little water park. My kids absolutely enjoyed ever second... especially Marlee. At one point she even asked my if we could move to Colorado, because "everything is fun in Colorado". So much fun cousin time, so many memories to be made, and this part made even the chaotic times well worth it.

I also thought I would share some things I learned, and just some basic observations I made too...

:: Marlee is the pickiest eater, by far, out of ten kids. I knew it was bad, but I was a little embarrassed it is this bad.

:: There were several times, especially at meal times, we realized the benefits of a polygamous lifestyle. Not that I am planning on signing up, but those extra hands, eyes, and ears offered by other moms than yourself can come in handy. ;)

:: It doesn't take much to dazzle a kid. I think so often us parents try for bigger and better to have special moments, but for a kid a snack, a change of scenery, and cousins to interact with is above and beyond memorable.

:: I like eating out/take out a lot. It pops up in my conversations constantly. I realized this was a guilty pleasure of mine, but I didn't quite realize until now that it was such a staple of my personality. ;)

:: Colorado really impressed me. I have visited lots of places, and most of which I only find worthy of a visit, but I could see living in Colorado... very homey.

:: Jordyn is exhausting... full of personality and never boring, but exhausting. I think I already knew this, but I just had to make sure it was documented.

Thanks again Annie and Mark for letting us invade your home, and thanks to you all for letting us tag along. I have such great cousin memories as a kid, and I am thrilled for my kids to have similar opportunities to make similar memories.

P.S.- I being the amazing mom I am forgot my camera, but I will include some pics as soon as they are emailed to me.

Birthday Gift...

2011-07-08T10:31:00.002-06:00

This is the birthday gift Nate and my parents gave me...

Isn't it amazing? Not only does it remind me how much I am loved by those here, but also how much I am loved by our Savior who is also tenderly caring for our baby until we can. Oh the peace this brings. Thank you.

Summer Happenings...

2011-07-06T09:40:00.003-06:00

We, like everyone, have been trying to stay busy this Summer. So here are some random things we have done and random things the girls have said too. The bummer part of it all is that I have been awful about busting out the camera, so most of what you get is me telling you about it. :)

I often ask Jordyn "where did you get that cute face?" To which she replies various different things. My favorite answer to date when I asked her this question was "I don't know, maybe Walmart."

Marlee is a picky eater, this is not a new revelation. Her new thing at meal time is when asked what she wants to eat, she responds with "let me give you some clues." These clues include such gems as "it's round and on a plate." It's a good thing she only likes about five things or we could miss a meal while guessing. ;)

A couple weeks ago we made our first trip of the year to the cabin. I love going up there as the surroundings remind me of my childhood, and I love sharing that with my kids. They love to play and play and play, while never seeming to get bored. This last time Jake and Shaylee took Jordyn fishing. They asked Marlee, to which she declined... no surprise there. I have always said I have a Country Mouse and a City Mouse on my hands. Anyways, Jordyn loved it! She caught three fish that she helped reel in, and even held the fish while Jake helped her throw them back in the water. She had so much fun that when Shaylee asked her the next day what she wanted to do she replied, "go pishing." Jake was one proud uncle. ;)

Now that brings us to 4th of July weekend. In the past we have always gone to the cabin, but this year we decided to stay home, and enjoy the festivities around here. We went to a couple BBQ's, went boating with friends, spent time with family, and took the girls to the city fireworks for the first time. It was lots of fun, and a nice change. One of these days I swear we will do a parade... whether Nate and I want to or not. ;)

Last but not least here is one picture I got emailed to me. It is all of Nate's dad and April's grand kids. Having them all in one spot is a rare occasion since Mark and Annie live out of state, so whenever they are all together we jump at the photo opportunity.

Happy Summer all!!!

Birthday Promise Kept... Finally!!

2011-06-17T11:15:00.000-06:00

Does everyone remember this picture...

Well I do. This picture has been stuck in my head for over two years now. It was taken at Marlee's 3rd birthday party, and represents Marlee and Jordyn's birthday gift from Nate and I for their 3rd and 1st birthdays. As you can see it's a trampoline, and as of this week Nate and I made good on our birthday promise.

It's not like we wanted to take this long, but this is the first time we have been settled in a home long enough, and had grass to put it on. Both of which were a necessary combination for a tramp. The funny thing is that we almost didn't get one anyway. When we moved in a month ago we were more than ready, but then our neighbors behind us got one a couple weeks ago, and in all honesty it actually sits closer to our back door than our tramp does. Even though our neighbors are very giving, and would share theirs, I just couldn't get that dang picture out of my head, and we really do have enough kids right around our house to fill up two tramps (this is part of the justification I used with Nate). So there you have it.

Note to self: no more pictures with promises for birthday presents... too much pressure. :)

Wallflower...

2011-06-10T09:13:00.000-06:00

I have known since Marlee was a tiny baby that big crowds were not her thing. As an infant she would easily over stimulate at family parties, and would spend a good portion of them crying. As a toddler she would scowl at any unfamiliar face (by unfamiliar I mean she didn't see that face on an almost daily basis), and melt down at some point during the gathering.

Marlee has improved immensely at family gatherings because she can remember people for longer, and therefore feels more comfortable around them. Now I notice her apprehension towards others when she is in big groups of kids. Nate noticed it camping, and I noticed it during a big group trip to the park the other day. Both times Marlee turned into a wallflower, which really isn't her. She loves to socialize... just on her terms. Not that she wasn't familiar with some of the kids at these outings, she was, but if the situation requires her to approach a big group as if to say "play with me", she completely shuts down.

This is not a surprising thing to me... it is actually quite familiar to me, since I tend to be the same way. I have always been more comfortable with being approached than being the one doing the approaching. I have always considered myself a social person, as I do Marlee, but both of us tend to freeze up out of our comfort zone. Our lack of adventurousness doesn't help this. ;)

I know as Marlee gets older her confidence will expand, and she won't feel the need to come ask me to play at the park when there are at least fifteen other options. This is not to say she can't make new friends, because in a smaller group situation she does great. Here at our new house she is excelling with all her new neighborhood friends, and loving every second. Marlee also does really well in church. With in a year she is on her third Primary class, and is always excited to go. I do think this has everything to do with the smaller structure... Marlee thrives on structure, always has. Maybe that is why camping and parks throw her off. She looks at all the kids running, climbing, chasing, jumping, and she doesn't know quite where to place herself amid all the chaos. Sigh... some days she is far to aged beyond her years.

I worry with her entering kindergarten. Marlee didn't have to work that hard this last year in preschool to have friends... Halle was there, and she is Marlee's security blanket. School can be a lonely place for a wallflower... that coupled with the fact that kids, especially girls, can be mean makes my heart hurt a little. I know she will have friends, but I also know from personal experience that at times it may not seem as effortless as it should.

Our plan for now is to keep pushing her out of her comfort zone. Push, push, push... easier said than done. Trust me, I know... she is just like me. ;)

Memorial Day Weekend...

2011-06-04T09:56:00.001-06:00

To start the weekend off right Nate took the girls on an overnight camping trip to Crystal Hot Springs with some other dads and their kids. I think I counted at least eight dads with an average of two kids each going... what troopers.

All in all it turned out to be the warmest and driest night of the weekend. Nate said it was really windy, and he had a hard time sleeping, but the girls slept like logs and even slept in until 8:00am!!

When they came home on Saturday morning, Nate and I proceeded forward on our yard project to change around our flower beds. We put sod in one and changed the shape of another. It was a LONG day, and by far the most actively involved I have ever been in a yard project... do you think I could twist my arm anymore patting myself on the back. Any who, luckily the weather held out for us, and we only had to finish up a little bit in the rain. Once the sod looks all nice, and grown in I will share pictures of the "after"... we are really pleased with our results thus far.

On Monday we went to the cemetery to see our sweet baby. This is the first time I have ever stepped foot in a cemetery on Memorial Day. All I can say is WOW... it was gorgeous.

We loved being able to honor Demree, and be in the presence of so many others that we have never met who were doing the same. We always take the time to see if there is anyone new, and unfortunately more than not there is. My heart always aches a little more for the newbies.

Last but not least there is something I want to remember about Marlee. Marlee walks around the entire Baby Land at the cemetery and picks up flowers, stuffed animals, and anything else that may have fallen over. I know it has more to do with her orderly tendencies than anything else, but I still smile at her small, simple act of service.

Thanks again for all those who thought of our baby this Memorial Day... it is much appreciated.

Wedding Preview...

2011-05-25T00:52:00.005-06:00

Here is a little preview of the pics from Jake (my bro) and Shaylee's wedding, which took place last Friday (yes the day before our "official" move). It was a fabulous night, and I was so happy to be able to witness it... congrats guys!

The happy couple...

Me with Shay and her other bridesmaids...

And the most adorable little ladies in this world...

Moving... AGAIN...

2011-05-19T14:34:00.002-06:00

To all my loyal friends, family, and/or blog stalkers (all ten of you)... we are moving... again. Hopefully next week sometime I will be enough out of boxes, messes, and chaos so I can share pictures of our new abode. :)

Marlee Graduates Preschool!

2011-05-13T22:25:00.001-06:00

Marlee graduated from preschool today!! She has been one of Mary's Little Lambs for two years now, and it has been a great experience for all of us! This last year was extra special because Mar was able to go to school with her best friend and cousin Halle. Marlee will be starting school at the end of July (year round schedule), and we have no doubts she will excel. She loves learning and structure, which basically spells school. ;) Marlee will miss Miss Mary, but luckily Jordyn will be attending in the Fall so we will all still get to see her. ;)

That's our diva singing her heart out!

ALWAYS LATE...

2011-05-11T22:26:00.000-06:00

No matter what I do, how much I prepare, how much extra time I allow... I am ALWAYS LATE! ALWAYS (sigh)... and I hate it. There is always some extra dawdling, crisis, drama, melt down, potty trip, or lost shoe mocking me as I leave the house at least 5-10 minutes later than I planned. I am always racing out the door to get Marlee to school (thank goodness for PM kindergarten this fall), and I really think Hell just might freeze over if I were ever on time to a pediatrician appointment, let alone any other set appointment. Worse than being late is the mom I turn into when we are in a rush... short, snippy, repetitive, yellie mom... I sure do love being her.

I figure I have two options for this that don't involve making my kids live in the car. I can either prepare and/or allow even MORE time than I already do (I seem to under estimate how much time it really does take to get us out the door), or I can just realize that the world won't end if we are a little late. Maybe the receptionist will have to continue checking with the doctor to see if they will still see us since we are tardy, and she will probably continue to give me that look of "seriously lady, how hard is it to be on time?!!" Maybe, just maybe, if I had not been yellie mom that entire morning I wouldn't care so much... now that is something to consider, but in answer to her "look", yes, it is extremely hard!

Nate's MBA Commencement...

2011-05-10T14:00:00.000-06:00

On Saturday Nate participated in his MBA commencement. I still can't believe that my little Nate, the one I dated in high school who loved fast cars and sluffing first period, almost has a Masters degree! I couldn't be more proud of him, and his continued commitment to bettering himself and therefore our family. Thanks honey for being such a great example to me, and our girls of the importance of education.

Waiting patiently for it all to begin. Our girls really did well for how much graduations aren't made for children. ;)

Can't you just feel the love radiating out of this picture! Oh how I love these people!

Thanks to Nate's parents for their love and support... it means a lot!

Oh how proud am I of this guy?!!

Due Date...

2011-05-02T21:59:00.002-06:00

Today is my due date with Demree. Today was a day that I ached all day knowing that by now I should have a baby and I don't. Today my arms felt a little more empty, and my heart a little more broken. Today was one of the only milestones I get to mark for Demree. Although the bed time hours are sometimes the worst, today I think I can say I have survived it. I won't go as far to say that I have survived it gracefully or that my insides don't physically hurt, but I am here and ready to face tomorrow.

On Saturday me, Nate, and the girls did a balloon release at the cemetery. We did this on Saturday so Nate could be home, and we chose to do balloons so the girls could really be involved. We sent four pink balloons and one white balloon up into the sky to greet our angel baby.

Today I took the girls, and we left an "Easter Lily" on Demree's grave. A week before Easter I picked out the perfect lily with no blossoms yet, and have watched over it daily to make sure it was up for such an important task... only the best for my little one. I didn't get a picture of it on her grave, I was far too emotional, but trust me it was beautiful.

Can I just tell you all what an amazing husband I have. He sent me a text first thing this morning, followed by a gorgeous arrangement of flowers (with no carnations... oh how he knows me), and called several times just to check on me. I cried at all of the above, some out of pain, but mostly out of gratitude that I have such an amazing companion.

Last but not least, I want to thank those who sent me texts or facebook messages of love, and compassion... I feel so watched over. An extra special thanks to Beth... I couldn't have made it today without you. Thanks for being my "Midge" and letting me be your "Gayle".

We love you Demree, and your heavenly presence in our family is noted all the time. XOXO

Megan & Colton's Wedding

2011-04-28T15:30:00.001-06:00

On Monday Nate's baby sister, Megan, married her long time boyfriend (I thought Nate & I dated forever), Colton. Our girls were able to be flower girls and I know that I am bias, but I don't think that I have ever seen cuter flower girls!! Well, just see for yourself...

The youth of the wedding party. From left: Marlee, Devon, Julianna, Austin, & Jordyn

Our girls took their jobs as flower girls very seriously... they didn't stop picking up or throwing petals through out the entire ceremony.

Marlee's swollen pigs are the middle set... a vast improvement from the night before.

Nate's "biological" siblings and kids.

Congrats you two! Meg you looked gorgeous, and Colton it's glad to "officially" have you as part of the family. ;) Now for those of you counting that's officially two Colton's, two Megan's (Megs I know yours is spelled different), and two Dave's... anyone confused yet? (hehe)

Ouchy Feet...What An Understatement...

2011-04-27T22:01:00.002-06:00

Here's how fast "my feet hurt" turned into a trip to Primary Children's Hospital on Sunday night...

After church I was rushing to get my kids out of their church clothes and into regular clothes and shoes so we could stop by the cemetery before going to dinner at Nate's dad & April's house. As I was quickly shoving Marlee's feet into shoes, she told me her feet hurt. I of course dismissed it very rashly, and not with the kindest tone. I figured her new sandals she wore to church that day made her feet a little tender, but nothing more. This is my big regret of the evening, but in my defense Marlee is like living with the Princess and the Pea... she is that particular and over dramatizes 90% of situations. None the less this is still my regret, sorry Mar.

We went to the cemetery, and then arrived at Dave & April's. She took off her shoes as usual and went downstairs to socialize with her cousins. Moments later she came back up with her socks off, and told me that her feet were itchy. This time I had the common decency to look them over. On both her feet it looked like she had tiny, little bites or pinches all over them. Nate's sister Meghan, who is a nurse, looked over them too, and since they were pretty much just on her feet we both thought it was just a rash. So we then rubbed hydra-cortisone on them, put her socks back on, and sat down to dinner.

About twenty minutes later Marlee came back to me, and told me how itchy they still were. I pulled off her socks, and her feet appeared to have at least doubled in size, "rash" marks were bigger, and had also spread to about mid calf on her legs. Meghan sent her husband Alex for some Benadryl to hopefully nip this allergic reaction in the bud, but as she examined her closer she was baffled because they really didn't look like hives nor did they have a defining spot where they originated. With spots showing up past her knees, we were baffled.

Next we gave her Bendaryl, and we were hoping for an improvement in the next twenty minutes. By this point Marlee was no longer bearing weight on her feet, and she was sobbing most of the time. She was hurting, but she really didn't want to miss Nana's Easter egg hunt. So Nate carried her around the backyard while she tried to find eggs between sobs... it was pretty sad. When she had reached her limit of what she could handle Nate took her inside to put her on the couch. While he was carrying her, she started saying "my bum, my bum", and then I noticed that bigger, redder spots had made it all the way up to the back side of her rear. Now we knew it was time to take her in. We made arrangements for Jordyn to get home, and off we went to the clinic.

Our clinic visit didn't last long. It mostly consisted of us having to wear masks (I think they were worried about measles), explaining the fast progression of Marlee's symptoms, and them telling us one of the hardest things a parent has to hear... "we need to send you to Primary Children's Hospital." As much as they tell you not to worry, you can't help it. Of course every parent wants the best care for their child, which is what Primary's is, but no parent wants their kid to HAVE to require the best care. They gave us an idea of what they thought it was, inflammation around her kidneys, but said we would need blood work at a minimum to know for sure.

So off to Primary's we went. What a long drive that is when your mind is automatically going to all the scariest places it can, and keeps bringing up all those scary words we all try to forget exist when we sign on to be parents... like I said, LONG drive.

When we got to the ER they checked us in, and we went over all her bizarre symptoms. How in a matter of hours our child went from fine to not bearing weight on her feet, and looking like this...

After lots of doctors, some on our case and some there just to learn, this is the clinical diagnosis they gave us. Marlee has an immune disease called Henoch-schoenlein Purpura (HSP). It's an inflammation in the blood vessel walls that's making them burst. It occurs as your body reacts to something in your blood stream. They can't say for sure, but it probably has to do with the strep throat Marlee had a few weeks back. They took blood (this was heart breaking to watch) and urine tests to rule out anything else, and confirm their diagnosis. It is very rare (hence all the eager residents), only 20 out of 100,000 are diagnosed, and it occurs mostly in children. Like a virus it pretty much just has to run it's course, which is around three weeks, and we pretty much can only treat the symptoms with Ibuprofen to help with the joint pain and inflammation. We also need to watch her potty results, and report any noticeable amount of blood. She has already followed up once with her primary care doctor to monitor her kidneys (more peeing in a cup, I rock at this) and blood pressure, and will continue to do so for a while. It is rare for it tocause kidney problems, but it is possible.

Around 12:30am our exhausted, inflamed little girl was released. We left the hospital with a cute new bunny, and an Easter basket full of goods... seriously Primary's really is the BEST for kids. She woke up the next day doing much better. She was walking and smiling, but still not able to fit in shoes. She was still able to be a flower girl at Megan & Colton's wedding... she was just a shoeless one. ;)

Easter 2011

2011-04-26T13:26:00.002-06:00

Easter was filled with the usual festivities including egg hunts, egg coloring, a visit from the Bunny, more candy than we should ingest in a year's time, and new Easter dresses... awesome! This year we also tried really hard to explain Christ's Resurrection. This is definitely a harder message to get across than Christ's birth at Christmas time. I think at least a seed was planted, and this is all we can ask for with kids as young as ours.

Note that Daddy Nate got them ready for bed. I probably would have chose slightly more picture worthy jammies... gotta love dads. :)

On Easter we were also able to take Demree's egg to the cemetery, and Mimi & Papa took her this cute flower arrangement with a bunny... thanks again, it means a lot.

Our Easter evening/night was an adventure in itself... more to come later...

Emotionally Rough Week...

2011-04-21T22:59:00.003-06:00

It really didn't occur to me until Tuesday, and by occur I mean hit me like a ton of bricks. But really how could much occur to me at all in the last couple weeks? I had been where I should be, in full blown birthday mode. Then came Tuesday when birthdays had all subsided, and then it sunk in... I most likely would be having my baby this week.

Obviously there is no way of knowing this for sure, but if history were to repeat itself at all, this would be the week (I would be 38 weeks). I was not prepared for the emotional rush this realization would bring. So much so that I am now barely able to wrap my head around my thoughts just enough to try to record them, and hopefully try to process them.

Today is definitely better than Tuesday. Tuesday started out heavy from the moment I woke up... the reality of the week hit me early on. It also happened to be the day Nate had to break the difficult news to me that he will have to be out of town on business over Demree's due date. There was no way around it, and a week earlier or a week later he would be missing other events, so it is what it is. I know that a "due date" is seldom when your child is born anyway, but it is the only date for me to note... milestone for me to mark.

Nate felt and feels awful, but he has a job... a good one, and he is a provider... a good one, and this just comes with the territory. Yesterday he gave me a CD with a card that meant more to me than anything I have gotten in a long time. I am so blessed to have him on this journey with me... I wouldn't be making it on my own.

So in short, this week I have spent many, many moments thinking of my sweet baby, whom I know resembles Jordyn, and whom I have felt in my arms, but I don't get to have this week. My heart and my empty arms literally ache, and I have even contemplated cutting off my hair (no worries folks nothing too drastic) just to relieve some of this emotional weight I am carrying. Honestly, emotional basket case would be a kind title for me to bear right now.

Putting this all out there is my first step towards moving forward. Now my new goal is to focus on this Easter weekend. Focus on the wonderful reality that we all get to be resurrected and what an amazing gift from our Savior that really is, and to focus on my sweet girls with all their innocence and energy... they are my saving grace.

Oh Demree, how I love and miss you dearly... Love, Mom.

P.S.- I also went off sugar this week... hey, I have to be a bridesmaid soon. In hind sight, not a great choice. When I am feeling REALLY sorry for myself I think, now I don't get a baby this week or a cookie. ;)

Jordyn's 3rd Birthday

2011-04-19T16:23:00.005-06:00

Jordyn officially turned three years old on April 14th! In some ways this is still hard for me to admit, most of those ways are for my own personal, emotional reasons, but mostly it seems fitting. Jordyn, like Marlee, seems wise beyond her years.

On Jordyn's birthday we spent the day time like any other Thursday. She went to bowling with Mimi and Marlee, and then came home and took a nap. After Nate got home we gave her our presents from us. She got a Princess Tiana Barbie, a princess nightgown, and a new Ariel dress-up... three presents, just like Marlee got. Trust me, they notice these things. Then we went out to dinner of her choice. She wanted "soup" (silly huh? well, that's Jor), so we went to Zupas where she told us repeatedly, "dood soup". Then we went to see 'Hop' and have popcorn at the movie theater. It was a great night, and I personally find this part of birthday celebrating very fun and relaxing.

On Sunday evening we had family over for presents, cake, and ice cream at Papa and Mimi's. G-ma Suzie was kind enough to make Jordyn a 'Tangled' cake, to which she was thrilled about... thanks again Suzanne!! Jordyn was showered with awesome gifts, and after her party I think it's safe to say we have almost EVERY Tangled toy made... except the movie. Good thing Nate has a call into the Easter Bunny for that one. ;)

Gotta love all these little girls in dress-ups!

Nate's dad made this cute high chair for the girls for their babies, and April hand painted it...they love it! Way to go Pappa & Nana!

Thanks again to all our friends and family who help us make our girls' birthdays so special. We love them SO much, and if we can help them to see just a glimpse of how much that is on their birthdays, then the work is all worth it.

That about sums up birthday season... this is me, mom of a five and a three year old, signing off. (sniff, sniff)

Marlee's First Friend B-day Party

2011-04-17T13:00:00.004-06:00

Yesterday we had Marlee's First Friend Birthday Party... the one we postponed. Friend birthday parties are a big deal around here, because it's not something we plan on doing every year. Of course birthdays will be celebrated around here for each family member, every single year, but in order to appreciate the "friend parties" we will only be having them on big milestone birthday years, like when one turns five. That is why this party meant so much to me... I knew the next one will be when she turns eight. I really didn't want a dud party to be what she remembers for the next three years.

With that being said, I couldn't have been more pleased with how it turned out. We went to Syracuse Family Fun Center, and played on the inflatable toy. It appeared to be a hit, and I am pretty sure I sent home some wore out kids. We invited eleven little friends, and all but one were able to come... such an awesome turn out! Most important, Marlee felt great! She was healthy, and she felt important and loved by all her friends. Thanks to all who came and celebrated Marlee's special day!

Mimi made banana cupcakes with pink frosting... as per the birthday girl's request. Marlee even put the sprinkles on!

The party goer's... (Top from left) Logan, Jordyn, Maeci, Owen, Halle, Marlee, Sierra, & Kenzlee (Bottom from left) Spencer, Addi, Daxton, Kaytlin, & Preston

Last but not least, below is Marlee opening up some presents from us on her actual birthday. This year was kinda hard to buy things for her, which was weird for me. I have never had a hard time spending money on my kids, it's usually the opposite. Other than our girls appear to have everything, I also think this year it was difficult to decide whether to push her boundaries by getting her something different and out of her comfort zone to try out, or just get her more of the same stuff she already has and loves. Lots of shopping hours later we ended up some where in the middle, and went on the lighter side for gifts this year. We got her a new pink camping chair, Tinkerbell night gown, and a slip n' slide. She is pretty excited to try out the slip n' slide, and has already asked when the snow will be gone so we can... if I only knew Mar, if I only knew. ;)

Baby Animals...

2011-04-13T16:14:00.004-06:00

Last Wednesday we took advantage of a few sick free hours, and the only sun the week had any promise of offering, and we headed to Wellsville to see the baby animals. Last year we went during "Just Baby Animals" instead of "Baby Animal Days", and this year we did the same. The weather was definitely a plus for choosing this day, but we have found the crowd is a lot less than during the actually festival time. This year Colton and Christy came with us and brought their kids, Halle and Jaden. My kids loved being able to share this with their cousins, and I think a good time was had by all.

Every year it always fascinates me how different my girls take to the animals. Marlee loves the idea of them, but likes to pet them very briefly and she quite vocally lets us know how much they smell. Jordyn on the other hand jumps right in, and never wants to miss an opportunity to associate up close and personal with every animal. I definitely have a "country mouse" and a "city mouse" on my hands. :)

Sickness & Birthday Heartbreak...

2011-04-09T15:16:00.003-06:00

Our family has been battling it's second bout of sickness within the last few weeks. Here is a helpful time line to keep it all straight...

Saturday, April 2nd: Jordyn is sick. Started with throwing up in the car on the way to breakfast that morning. Also included lots of bodily fluid coming out both ends, but no fever. Luckily it only lasted about 24 hours, and then she was fine. I still can't get the image out of my head of her little convulsing body sitting on the toilet while throwing up... so sad.

Tuesday, April 5th: Then came Marlee's turn. Symptoms similar to Jordyn's except hers was pretty exclusive throwing up.

Wednesday, April 6th: Morning came and Marlee appeared to be feeling better. So off we headed to see the Baby Animals (more on this later) in Wellsville, and enjoy what ended up being the only sun of the week. By the afternoon Marlee was wiped out... we probably over did it, since we knew she wasn't 100%. When Marlee woke up from her rare afternoon nap she had a fever, and was complaining of an aching stomach. Off to the doctor we went to insure it wasn't her appendix. After leaving the doctor her diagnosis was strep throat... go figure, never would have guessed. I am still under the impression that she had the flu also. So off we went with a prescription for antibiotics that should show us mass improvement with in 48 hours. A glimmer of hope that Marlee's upcoming birthday could still be salvaged. Marlee tolerated her medicine that night, and slept pretty well.

Thursday, April 7th: Marlee threw up her antibiotics immediately after two different attempts that morning. After many calls to the doctor they prescribed her a different antibiotic, but instructed us not to start it until her vomiting was under control. In the mean time I was starting to really panic, considering every missed hour without medicine brought us closer to canceling Marlee's first friend birthday party. After throwing up right until bed, she was then able to tolerate her first dose of the new antibiotic. After this day I was thinking of adding "excellent vomit cleaner" to my resume, and applying for a job as an elementary school janitor.

Friday, April 8th: No more throw up! Still lots of tummy aches, naps, laying on the couch, and not much eating. Although Marlee did request pizza and bread sticks for dinner... another glimmer of hope. P.S.- Did I mention that Nate came home from work sick too? Yep, it just kept getting better and better.

Today, April 9th: Marlee tried hard to put on a happy face. She wanted so badly to feel good for her 5th birthday, but no go. I decided to postpone her party until next week when she couldn't even bear to sit up long enough to get her hair done. She was heartbroken, but not nearly as much as me. I'll admit that I was crying. I really just wanted this one thing I have been planning for to go as planned. Oh well, what is it they say... "no use crying over spilled milk." I beg to differ... sometimes crying over said milk is the only thing that feels productive. Marlee still opened up her gifts from us this morning (more on what she got later). She opened them in our bed, since Nate is almost too sick to leave there. :( She really tried to seem enthused...

But this is really how she felt...

So sorry Marlee that this is how you have to spend your 5th birthday. I promise we will make it up to you. Happy Birthday... so glad you were born. :)

P.S.- Prayers on our behalf would be helpful that we don't have a similar situation on Jordyn's birthday in five days.

Growing Up... (sniff, sniff)

2011-04-04T13:04:00.002-06:00

Last week I took the girls in for their yearly well check appointments. Other than the vaccinations seemed to take their toll more than usuall, it was a very sucessful visit. Our girls are growing and developing beautifully, which I already knew, but it's nice to have a medical professional confirm it. ;)

Marlee's 5 year old stats:
Height: 44.3 inches (85%)
Weight: 42 lbs (50%)

Marlee is pretty much on the same growth pattern as the previous year. She is average weight, and on the tall end of things. Her extra height became even more apparent when I went to register her for kindergarten. She has at least 3-4 inches on most kids her age... no complaints here.

Marlee is smart, perceptive, friendly, has an amazing memory, and still thrives on structure. She likes to know that we have a plan, and what that plan is. She is still VERY dramatic, and has moments of "I can't function under this circumstance" at least daily. One big change in the last year, is she has come out of her shy shell immensely. She still sometimes gets nervous with change, trying new things, and talking to adults, but can hold her own with kids her own age. She loves school, church, her cousin Halle, drawing/creating, and imaginative play. Marlee also loves playing with Jordyn... if Jor is letting her be the boss. Marlee loves to help, especially with babies. Sometimes I wonder who is more baby hungry, her or me. Marlee is very intuitive of other people's emotions. She doesn't care for letting situations or voices get too elevated, and she is always the first person to lovingly rub my back when I am sad. Marlee is absolutely beautiful, on the inside and out. She is so worth the little, extra amount of time we had to wait to get her.

Jordyn's 3 year old stats:
Height: 37.3 inches (60%)
Weight: 29 lbs (35%)

This is the most Jordyn has ever made it on the charts! She is still a light weight, but the doctor doesn't ever really foresee much different for her. She may be on the petite side, but what she lacks in mass she makes up for in spirit.

Jordyn is smart, active, well spoken, oozes personality, and has most people wrapped around her finger with in moments of meeting her. She is extremely stubborn, and seldom agrees to things Nate or I tell her unless she thinks it's her idea. She loves to push her boundaries to see what we will let her get away with, and chances are if she succeeds, she will push them a little more next time. Her favorite things to do include all things Marlee... this also includes teasing Marlee, but for the most part she will go along with whatever imaginary scenario Marlee has worked up for them. Jordyn loves dress-ups, and most days I question why I even bothered putting her in clothes in the first place. She plays well with others, and I can tell one day she will be a very loyal friend. Some days I can't believe she is only almost three, but most days I want to cry at the thought that she is almost three. Jordyn's tiny face, features, and facial expressions are next to perfect, and I really think Heavenly Father hit it out of the park on this one.

We love you both Marlee and Jordyn. We consider ourselves blessed every single day that we not only get to know you both, but we also get the privilege of raising you!

"Spancy Nancy"...

2011-03-31T12:07:00.005-06:00

Every time I put Jordyn on the bathroom counter facing the mirror, and I bust out curling iron, she says...

"You making me all Spancy Nancy."

For those of you who don't know, 'Fancy Nancy' is the title character in one of our favorite book series, and she loves all things fancy. I love that Jordyn likes the idea of us making her "spancy" too. I promise some "spancy" pics to come (I've been a real slacker in this area)...

Babies On The Brain...

2011-03-23T09:57:00.000-06:00

I am not sleeping. I am also having a hard time keeping focused and engaged during my waking hours. Mostly this is because I have babies on the brain. All I can think about are babies. How everyone seems to be having a baby. How I am not having a baby. How my baby should be friends with their baby. When am I going to have another baby? Will I get to have another baby? And most often, oh how much I miss my baby.

Trust me I don't take anyone having a baby as a personal dis to me. I am also well aware that Spring is upon us, and it's the perfect time to have a baby. Heck, I had two in the Spring, and planned for a third... I get the draw. I just can't help that by watching everyone else's good fortune, I am reminded of all the uncertainty of my baby future.

Now comes the guilt. The guilt of knowing that I am so incredibly blessed to have two bright, amazing daughters here that I get to raise and enjoy, and if that is all I ever get, then I have still been blessed immensely. The guilt of knowing that I am truly blessed to have my little Demree waiting for me in all her perfect glory. The guilt of knowing that I need to get my head back in the game, and start enjoying all that I have been blessed with. The guilt of knowing my girls are growing right before my very eyes, and I need to get focused before I miss out on time I can't get back. The guilt of knowing the regret I will have if this happens.

I realize I am in the process of having my "faith perfected", but some days this is much easier to take than others. I am also sure a good night of sleep would do wonders...

Family Updates...

2011-03-19T12:35:00.000-06:00

Some all around updates on the whole fam...

Jordyn is officially pooping in the potty. Yea!! I really think that we have a pretty good hold on this potty business. Not to say we are 100% accident free, but we are mostly accident free and that's pretty dang impressive. Potty training this time around was MUCH better. So much so that I may not even throw up in my mouth at the very thought of it, and that's pretty dang impressive in it's self.

Marlee is sick today with fever and throw up... yuck. We were supposed to be in Bear Lake with Nate's dad's side of the family, but held back because Mar spiked a small fever yesterday morning. After seeing what today has brought, I know we made the right decision. I was just telling my friend Ally earlier this week that we have had a banner winter with no real sickness... spoke. too. soon.

Last weekend I went with some girlfriends to St. George. This was our third year going, and it was wonderful. Great weather, great company, great food, and great fun. The only thing missing was a really good chick flick. We settled for 'Unknown' with Liam Neeson, but it wasn't quite the same. Come on Hollywood!! Is a good chick flick every March too much to ask?!! We also missed out on our two other friends who are in baby mode right now... next time ladies, next time.

Nate started a new position at work, where he is working the non-destructive testing in the new building they are moving into. He is very busy, but for Nate busy is always better. He also found out that he will be able to participate in commencement this May before he finishes up his MBA in September. We are very proud of him, but also can't wait until school is over. ;)

Our biggest news yet is that we went under contract on a home! Our new home will be located about four blocks from my parents, and we are stoked. It used to be a model home, until the builder relocated to a new model home. So it is landscaped, has a good amount of neighbors surrounding it, lots of model type upgrades, and has never been "lived in". The yard is a little on the small side, but other than that we couldn't be more thrilled. As part of our offer they are finishing off the majority of the basement, so we should be moving in around mid-May. Yep, that's right, we will be making it out of my parents' house before our six month deadline... go us!

Potty Week...

2011-03-07T20:46:00.002-07:00

This week we started to potty train Jordyn. Each day I recorded her progress so I wouldn't forget from day to day. I should also note that we chose to do the potty treat method, where she gets one potty treat (she chose Robin Eggs) for going pee-pee, and two potty treats for going poop. We only use pull-ups for nap and bed time, and the rest of the time it's panties... all. the. time. Yeah I know, tons of fun for mom. ;) When she gets a good routine going on, she has been promised a shopping trip to the toy store with Mimi. So here is how our first week went...

Day 1 (Tuesday, March 1st): Jordyn started out the day exceptionally well from my experience (much better than Marlee did). We made it to nap with no accidents, and even woke up with a dry pull-up. She also chose to change her panties three times with out needing to... just wanted to try out her collection. She ended the day not quite as good with two back to back accidents. So the count for today is 5 pee-pees in the potty, and 2 pee-pees on the floor. No poop yet, so we'll see what tomorrow has to offer. ;)

Day 2 (Wednesday, March 2nd): Today was met with a little more resistance. I think the novelty has wore off a bit, and she is was kinda sick of sitting on the potty. Still she had 6 successes, and only one accident. Really pretty awesome. Still no poop... I am starting to get concerned about the constipation or accident I am soon to face.

Day 3 (Thursday, March 3rd): NO ACCIDENTS!!! Yep that's right... none at all. This actually surprised me since it was my first day of working and training all at once. Not to mention my parents are out of town, so I have been going solo in the office. Yet still no accidents. Today I was also able to give her a little more freedom to roam, instead of just being glued to my side... good for both her and me. Still no poop... eeek.

Day 4 (Friday, March 4th): Today was going so well that we even took the risk of venturing out to dinner with our potty queen in tow. She ended up having her only accident of the day on the chair at TGI Fridays, but since her mom doesn't count her chickens yhatty, yhatty... we were prepared with wipes, extra panties, and pants. No use crying over a puddle of pee. ;) P.S.- Still no poop (sigh).

Day 5 (Saturday, March 5th): We started out today with a dry pull-up in the morning. Awesome right?!! This little lady has holding power. Then around 9:30am came what we had been waiting for... the poop, and it wasn't in the potty. I will save you the details on how fun that was to clean up, but know that a long conversation was had about how nasty this was, and that our poop goes in the potty. The rest of our day was finished out accident free... progress is progress. :)

Day 6 (Sunday, March 6th): Jordyn would go HOURS without going to the potty. She didn't go the entire time at church which was kinda stressful. I just kept waiting for them to bring my potty time bomb to me and tell me she exploded, but she didn't. Another no accident day, but still no poops in the potty... talk about potty time bomb. ;)

Day 7 (Monday, March 7th): Jordyn did excellent again today. She now will even tell us when she needs to go. We still have yet to have a poop in the potty, but I think the rest is all but mastered. Not to say accidents still aren't in our future, but I think we are well on our way. Thanks for enjoying the ride with us. I'm sure you'll get to hear more about our poop situation at a later time... lucky you. ;)

Quitin' Time...

2011-02-28T23:25:00.003-07:00

Tonight we pulled Marlee out of her competition dance class. The season is not officially over until June sometime, and even though we have sunk a LOT of money and time into this endeavor, it was time.

The straw that broke the camel's back was having Nate accompany me to the last fifteen minutes of Marlee's group practice tonight. First off, having a big group dance with girls of all ages, where Marlee's young age is included, is not very productive in my opinion. Maybe for some it's okay, but Marlee was having a hard time focusing. She kept watching the older girls dance instead of doing what she was supposed to be doing. There were also countless other red flags too. Including a couple toddlers roaming around while their moms were trying to "teach", a dog (of all things) kept running across the dance floor, and Marlee's raunchy dance teacher kept yelling at the girls to listen and pay attention. Seriously?!! How can anyone, especially 4-5 year old little girls, pay attention with all that distraction?!! I know Marlee enjoys dance, but when I see her biting her nails through most the practice, I assume it is either nerves from all the yelling and commotion or just plain boredom... neither of which is a good thing.

I have been frustrated with this dance company for a while. So much so that I already had no intention of signing up Marlee again with them for next season. We have been paying twice as much money (extra fees were being thrown at us almost monthly) as we were with Marlee's previous dance teacher, and have been receiving half the product. I have tried to stick out this season mostly out of guilt. Guilt for not seeing this commitment through, guilt for all the money we have already spent, and mostly guilt for not having something for Mar to look forward to on Tuesday nights. Tuesday is her (and mine) hardest night of the week since Nate is in school that night. Dance seemed to soften the blow a bit. In the end I guess I am just really grateful that Nate could come and whiteness the program, and then make this decision for our family... it helped take a lot of pressure off me.

So there is a lesson to be learned here. Just because it costs more, and in our case has "comp" in the title, doesn't mean it's better. I can't wait to re-join Marlee's old dance company this fall. :)

It's All Fun Until Somebody Gets Hurt...

2011-02-22T10:05:00.002-07:00

This last weekend we went to Nate's mom & step dad's cabin for the weekend with that side of the family. Since most of Dave and Suzanne's five kids have significant others and kids of their own, you can imagine living quarters become pretty tight. I am not going to lie that this part is challenging, and even more so when there is snow outside. So everyone is pretty much inside most of the time. So yes, slightly challenging, but the whole point of going up in the winter was to get the kids in on some super, fun sledding action.

This part was great. Just like most kids our girls love the snow, and riding down a super, long hill on a sled was no exception. I have to admit that I even enjoyed it. I am not a big fan of cold, or snow, or sledding down a hill into a tree, or falling off and breaking numerous bones... all reasons why I have avoided sledding, and why it was my girls' first experience with it, but it really was a success. The best part was that after we went down the mile long hill outside of the cabin, Dave would pull us back up the hill in the toboggan attached to the snowmobile. This made it so we could go down numerous times... SO awesome.

Our fam... trust me Mar is not in pain. She just wasn't in the mood to stop playing for a picture.

Yes this is how graceful I look sledding... poor Jor.

Halle & Marlee

Jaden, G-ma Suzie, & Jordyn

On Sunday night we headed home in a snow storm. As we got situated on the snowmobile, and in the toboggan to come home, it never crossed my mind that I should switch places with Nate in the toboggan where he was riding with Marlee, and let him ride with Jordyn on the snowmobile. I figured he could handle it considering just that day he had built a jump to go off while on the sled (as he calls it "extreme sledding"), and he and his ribs tolerated it pretty good. As we started off I noticed how bumpy the toboggan was taking the road, and I could hear Nate wince every now and then. I should have stopped Dave then, but didn't. I really wanted out of there. My girls were tired and cold as was I, and the longer we were out there the wetter we were getting. I figured if it was that bad, Nate would yell for us to stop. So we kept going, and were more than half way down when Colton (bro in-law riding in toboggan with Nate) yelled for us to stop, because Nate was dying. Oh and dying he was. He couldn't even speak let alone get out of the toboggan. Then came the tears. How stupid was I to let him ride in that toboggan. Every bump smashed into his back, and Marlee was on his lap crushing his ribs from the front with every bump as well. All that healing that we worked for was appearing to be undone... how stupid.

After switching Nate to the snowmobile to make the rest of the journey to our truck, we quickly loaded everyone in. Nate was in so much pain he couldn't even get in the truck unassisted. Nate then got a priesthood blessing from Dave, Colton, and Ryan (Nate's bro). We feel so blessed to have the priesthood constantly present in our lives. We hit the road immediately, not even waiting to unload our stuff, so that I could get Nate home. We then proceeded to drive in some of the worst winter conditions I have ever driven in. Again, stupid. We should have left earlier when there was still daylight. By the time we hit Weber canyon I could barely see the roads, semi trucks were traveling at snail pace with emergency flashers on, my hands ached from holding on to the steering wheel so tight, and Jordyn (who NEVER sleeps in the car) was crying loudly from the sheer exhaustion of being up so much past her bed time. I tried my best to tune her out, as I tried I could hear Nate praying softly for her to be quiet so I could concentrate. I have never been so happy to get out of a canyon in my life.

I have decided that I am done with making stupid decisions out of politeness. Just because everyone else is fine with it doesn't mean that it is smart for our family, and we need to make our decisions accordingly. We really did have a great time, and all of the above mentioned drama happened in just the last few moments of our adventure. Nate is back to work today, ribs wrapped and all. It doesn't seem to be a complete set back on his healing, but maybe just a minor one... no more extreme sledding for a while. ;)

One more thing... a special thanks to Nate's step dad, Dave. I swear the man does not stop from sun up, and until well past sun down doing all sorts of stuff to make our time better. It is a lot of work having us all there, and he never complains at all. Thanks Dave for being such a great example to us all.

Cabo

2011-02-16T13:18:00.001-07:00

Nate and I recently got back from four days in Los Cabo, Mexico. We went with my family, including Jake's fiance Shaylee, and my cousin Hollie and her husband Tyler. We spent our days relaxing, eating, enjoying the beach, and all together just soaking up the SUN!!

While we were there we also went shopping, tried out the zip line, Nate participated in a variety of recreational fun, and we went horseback riding on the beach... this was my fav! We have gone horseback riding on other beaches, but this time topped all.

The horse they put Nate on was so small, and I mentioned it to our guide, Jorge, and he said "he may be small, but he thinks he is the biggest, fastest one here." This proved to be true as Nate zoomed down the beach in a fast gallop at any opportunity his horse could get. It was a riot to watch, and a riot to participate in... my inner cowgirl was very satisfied. ;)

Thanks again to Nana and G-ma Suzie for taking such good care of our girls while we were gone. My definition of vacation is kid free so that we can actually have the opportunity to miss our kids. Thanks to you both this was accomplished! :)

Special thanks to my parents for treating us to such a great family vaca!! Seriously words can't express our appreciation... LOVE YOU!!

Happy Valentine's Day...

2011-02-14T21:52:00.003-07:00

This sweet little card was waiting in our mail today...

I knew it was coming, but it still took me back. Last week Marlee was able to make a Valentine, and mail it to someone special. She chose her baby sister Demree. Her teacher was slightly concerned about this, she was trying to be considerate of my feelings, but decided it was okay when Marlee insisted sweetly.

Marlee was so excited to see it in the mail box today. We didn't open it. Marlee says "Demree can open it herself", and I agree. Marlee did tuck it away in our special "Demree box" with all her keepsakes, and other pictures Marlee has made for her. I am not a big Valentine's Day fan, but this year I will make an exception... oh how I heart these girls. ;)

Cohabitation...

2011-02-08T12:54:00.004-07:00

We have now been living with my parents for almost two months. It really is going better than I expected it would, and I'm sure if you were to ask my girls they would tell you it's the most perfect living situation ever. Sometimes I wish they were a little older during this cohabitation, that way I'd know they would remember this special time. I can see why in other countries and cultures it's not rare or taboo for multiple generations to live together. There are so many special moments, routines, and memories that can only be made and captured while living under the same roof... as Americans we really are missing out on this.

Easy everyone... I am not saying that we plan to make this permanent or that we don't miss having our own home like crazy, but I am saying that this opportunity continues to produce more benefits than I originally imagined. Here is a small list of things I don't want to forget...

:: Papa now knows how to put "panties" back on a doll.

:: It is well known that Marlee and Jordyn are "Mimi's girls", and "Papa's buddies". This has become so well known that they now refer to Papa's stuff as "buddy's side (of the bed)", "buddy's chair", and "I wanna sit by buddy" at the bar.

:: Marlee and Jordyn now get to see a whole lot more of uncle Adam. They enjoy teasing him, and blaming him for stuff... just as we all did when we were younger. They also see more of uncle Jake as he passes through. As we speak he is here for lunch and is playing "polly's" with Jordyn... he's the scary dragon. ;)

:: After the girls take a bath they make sure everyone gets a chance to smell their hair, and tell them how good it smells.

:: My dad lovingly and jokingly refers to us as "the other family" at least once daily. As in "ever since the other family moved in...(fill in the blank)"

:: I love the constant commotion of a full house, the back and forth in the girls' conversations with anyone who wants to talk, and how great I know it is for their self esteems to have so many people lovingly caring for them and telling them how much they're loved on a daily basis.

Surviving January...

2011-02-01T21:43:00.002-07:00

January is over, and we have officially survived. Some days it seems as if only by a hair, but none the less we did. The past few weeks it seems as if it wasn't one thing it was at least ten others. I am SO emotionally tired, and find it difficult some days to put two thoughts together. We are hopeful that in February the waters will calm some, and we can feel as if we are not so deep in the trenches.

We all can admit that the cold winter months lead to stir crazy kids with far to much pent-up energy. Although this is still true, this winter I am happy to report that my girls spend a good part of their down time entertaining each other. Yes of course their playing usually ends in fighting, but there are lots of good times before that point. I love watching them interact and pretend with dress ups, polly's, barbies, pillow forts and babies, all while listening to their own music on their pink boom box. They have a whole world together, and I love to see it unfold. I don't have a sister, and by watching them I am learning all about the deep bonds of sisterhood... it's priceless.

Below is a scene I came upon last night. Nate had wandered into the play room, and had yet to return or call for any assistance. I peeked in to find this sweet scene...

They were all cuddled up on what used to be a pillow fort contently watching "the silly elves", their favorite Christmas show this past season. This little scene made January not seem quite as bad. Kids are so amazing that way... they really do have super powers. :)

Absent Minded...

2011-01-22T17:11:00.000-07:00

Yesterday morning I forgot to take Marlee to preschool. It is not as if Friday is an off day for her to go to school, because she goes to school EVERY Friday. I simply just spaced it off, and it didn't even cross my mind until eleven o'clock when I should be about ready to pick her up.

Then this morning at about 10:15am I was sittin' around thinking about how I could swear I had something to do, and I did! Marlee had a birthday party at 11:00am! A birthday party that I had just barely picked up a gift for the night prior!

Seriously?!! What is up with that?!! I part way blame Nate being home recuperating for messing with our routine, but really Brianna... it's time to MOM UP!!! ;)

Unfair...

2011-01-20T15:54:00.002-07:00

I just got done paying over $1,500.00 in medical bills (after insurance) for a baby that I didn't get to keep. :( I need a cookie...

Who's Child Is This?!!

2011-01-16T17:08:00.001-07:00

For close to a week now Jordyn's behavior has been terrible. She is ornery, moody, and her forms of communication have mostly been whining, yelling, or full out tantrum... which is obviously unacceptable. I can't quite figure out if she just dove head first into her terrible twos, or if it is because she knows I am basically on my own for discipline since Nate's movement right now is at a slow pace at best. I would definitely say it is the latter of the two, if her sleep patterns had not changed as well. Jordyn has always been an excellent sleeper, my better sleeper of my two kids, but as of late she has been waking up whining at least twice a night for no apparent need. To say the least her new behaviors have been exhausting, frustrating, and leave me asking myself often "who's child is this?!!"

Well, who ever she is I hope she invites my sweet, cuddly, easy going baby back real soon... I miss her. :(

"A Daughter's First Love"...

2011-01-15T13:56:00.002-07:00

This morning Shaylee, my sis in law to be, trimmed up Marlee's hair. When she was done she curled it for her. By the time we were done Marlee was more than beaming with confidence over her well groomed mane. As we walked out to the car, and we were talking about how nice her hair looks she said,

"Daddy is gonna love it."

I thought it was so cute how that is who she wanted to impress, and whose approval she was seeking. Some time ago I got a pillow for my Dad with this saying embroidered on it,

"Dad: a son's first hero, a daughter's first love."- English Proverb

I thought this was a very fitting moment of just that.

When It Rains, It Pours...

2011-01-11T14:34:00.002-07:00

So I did promise positive, and well I am trying...

Around 9:30am yesterday morning I was cleaning up the kitchen about to head down stairs for work (yes, that's my commute now) when I received a phone call from a number I didn't recognize. I usually screen calls I don't recognize, but I decided to pick up. It was a woman named Katrina who said "your husband Nate has been in a car accident." Katrina informed me she had been traveling behind him, and witnessed the accident. She also said he was coherent enough to give her my phone number. After hearing this I was surprisingly still very calm. Even though I could hear the ambulance in the background of her phone, I really didn't comprehend that it could be that bad. I went down stairs to the office, told my parents, asked if they'd watch Jor (Mar was at school) while I drove to the scene. I had every intention of driving myself, but with some persuasion from my parents I asked my Dad to go with me. I am so thankful for this.

As we drove to the scene, which was only about five minutes from home, Katrina called again. She informed me that they were going to be taking him soon, either in ambulance or by Life Flight, and she didn't know if I would make it to the scene in time due to the bad traffic around the accident sight. Now I was starting to panic, Life Flight?!! The tears came rushing.

When we got to the scene I could not see Nate's truck. For a second I thought he must of been riding with someone from work. As we drove closer I saw a man on a stretcher (not Nate), and then I saw Nate's truck. It was crumpled, and down off the side hill at the start of the overpass. I quickly looked away as my tears, turned into sobs of panic... if the truck looked this bad, what did Nate look like.

The police, and Katrina (what a kind woman) escorted me down to the paramedics by the ambulance Nate was in. "Can I see him?", I asked. "No, he is unconscious and they are hooking him to IV's." This is all I was told, nothing more. So at this point I was assuming the worst. I had an unconscious husband who I hadn't seen, a mangled truck, and no further information... I watch far too much T.V. to not think the worst! They told me to head to the hospital where they were taking him, and that was it.

Our drive to the hospital was the longest, most fearful minutes of my life thus far. All possible scenarios flashed through my head. Mostly bad ones in which I was a widow at far too young of an age came to mind, so then I began to pray. I have never prayed so hard in my life, all the while my sweet Dad tried to keep me calm. When we got to the hospital my Dad let me out at the door, and went to park my car. I really walked into the ER expecting Nate to be dead or close to it, and my fear didn't subside when a social worker came to find me. She then led me back, and told me I could see him... I could now feel a little relief. They drew back the curtain, and the doctors immediately told me how lucky he was as they worked on him. He was awake, he was talking, he was still here.

After lots of tests, talking with the police and doctors, and piecing together what Nate can remember, I have a pretty clear picture of what happened, and where we stand now. Nate left work to get a quick breakfast burrito this morning. His truck then slid on some ice into oncoming full speed traffic where he was T-boned on the passenger side by a Ford Bronco, which on impact pushed his truck down the side hill. The driver from the other vehicle was taken to a different hospital, but when I called I was told he was in stable condition. Nate's CT scan shows two broken ribs, and some slight damage to his right kidney. We are stayed overnight at the hospital to manage his pain, keep an eye on that kidney, and monitor him for any other problems. He is in pain, but most importantly he is still here.

We are so grateful that angels, particularly our little angel, was watching over Nate. After seeing the pictures of his truck you will all see how horribly different this could have turned out. We know Nate has a painful recovery ahead of him, but we feel so blessed to have this outcome. I for one feel as if I have been given the gift of more time with my husband in this life, and what a priceless gift this is. I can't help, but feel such eternal joy at this moment.

P.S.- We did lose one new friend in the accident... Nate's phone suffered a severe cracked face injury, and is not likely to recover.

I HATE Dieting...

2011-01-07T10:11:00.003-07:00

I really don't want my blog to turn into a permanent whine and moan fest, so bear with me... I am sure it will get positive soon.

I HATE dieting. This is the first time I have ever had to lose a lump sum of weight with out the help of nursing, and I HATE it. I should be eating whatever I want right now, nesting, and then eating some more. I should be worrying about my weight gain come summer time, and then my weight loss plan would largely consist of nursing, and being so busy and tired with my new baby that I sometimes forget to eat. This is how it should be, but it's not.

Did I mention that I HATE dieting? But I HATE not fitting in all my jeans that I have invested a lot of money into even more, so (sigh)........ pass me another carrot. ;)

Life Goes On...

2011-01-04T20:50:00.000-07:00

So here we are in 2011. Usually I write a list of goals that I usually fall short on. This year I don't want to do that. So I have decided not to write any down other than our main goal, which should be obvious to everyone including us, and that is to buy another house. This and the rest of our "plans" will hopefully fall into place with a little faith in our loving Heavenly Father, and in ourselves.

The other thing I always do at the first of the New Year is change the title of our blog. This year I am going with "Life Goes On". Mostly I chose this because I have learned that is exactly what happens. I delivered Demree only one month and two days ago, and all I physically have to show for it is a hospital bill, a box full of sweet cards and memories, a slightly weaker bladder (I think the third pregnancy was the kicker), and a few extra lbs. See, life is moving on whether I want it to or not, so I am making a conscience effort to go with it. This way I hope to not miss out on important moments and opportunities.

One opportunity that I am so thankful for right now is being able to live here with my parents. First there are the obvious financial benefits, but I am talking more about the day to day moments my kids get to have with their grandparents. Jordyn sits and cuddles with Papa in his chair often, and she's not afraid to ask him to help with her dress ups or have him babysit her babies. Mimi braids Marlee's hair, lets her "help" with everything, and even took the time to rock both my girls before bed the other night... it was a priceless moment.

I know that kids come with extra messes and noise, but I am hopeful that the daily goodnight kisses and morning greetings of being "scared" while they are working in the office will make it all worth it.

Year End Review...

2010-12-30T21:14:00.003-07:00

In the past I have always looked back at the year, and kinda summarized it for when I publish that year into a blog book. In this one year I feel that our little family has experienced enough change and growing pains to fill up at least five years. So, to try and summarize all of the emotion that goes along with the change and growing pains seems next to impossible. Instead I thought I would make a list of what I know due to this year...

:: I know that EVERY baby that makes it here safe, and sound is a miracle. At times it may seem like a common miracle, because of how many do seem to make it, but none the less they are miracles just the same.

:: I know that in this life I am being taught patience. Seriously, patience in ALL things. One day I know I will learn to accept this a little better, instead of constantly having to remind myself.

:: I have always known how much my kids mean to me, but now I know how much I mean to them. They have been so loving, forgiving, compassionate, and patient with their used to be tired, pregnant, and now grieving mom. Marlee especially has been perceptive far beyond her years. She has been more than happy to rub my back, kiss my hand or cheek, and give me lots of cuddles without me even asking... most the time it's when I really need it.

:: I know how much I love Nate... more now than ever.

With all that being said the planner part of me is pretty scared for 2011. I have little control over what is next for us... house, family planning, etc., and that is very difficult for me. At this point I am taking it one day at a time, and not getting too ahead of myself. All I can do is have faith, and so that's the plan. Hey, so I guess 2011 does have a plan. :)

Christmas Morning...

2010-12-28T14:43:00.001-07:00

Christmas morning came with a bang, and ended with a beautiful Christmas mess! Santa brought Marlee a real camera, and a princess pop up tent with a tunnel. Santa brought Jordyn an easel, and a potty doll. Santa also brought pillow pets for them both. Along with stockings full of goods, and the masses of gifts from everyone else who loves them, I'd say they did very well for themselves this year... as they always seem to do. ;)

In an effort to simplify, I thought I'd let the pictures do most of the talkin'... enjoy...

New Christmas jammies on Christmas Eve... doesn't get any better than that!

Looks like Santa came. Notice there are three pillow pets. The unicorn is Marlee's, the lady bug is Jordyn's, and the bumble bee is Demree's. Nate went to the store while I was in labor, and saw the stacks of pillow pets. He couldn't bear the thought of Demree not having one, so he made sure she would.

My new running shoes... I'm gonna be a runner in the New Year. ;) Hey people laugh all you want... we all need something to focus on.

Nate's new best friend... sorry Toby. ;)

Jake's cute new fiance Shaylee. That's right people, in 2011 I am actually going to get a sister in law... yea!! It's a Christmas miracle!

Our Savior's Significance...

2010-12-25T09:00:00.000-07:00

I have always been well aware of the Savior's significance during the holiday season, but this year I am more aware than ever. After losing our sweet baby only weeks ago I hold strong this Christmas to the sweet sacrifice that Heavenly Father knew he would have to make as he sent his Son to earth, and I am grateful that Jesus was willing to make such a sacrifice. I gather comfort in knowing that we can obtain eternal life, and because of the blessings of the Temple we can be together forever as a family. During this month of dealing with such pain, I can't help but also to feel so very blessed.

Merry Christmas Demree. May you continue to leave your imprint on our family so we can be together again... WE LOVE YOU!

"And The Stockings Were Hung With Care..."

2010-12-24T12:49:00.002-07:00

Is there a law stating that Christmas stockings need to be taken down after Christmas is over? I may struggle to do that this year...

Whenever the girls are asked what their Dad's name is, "Daddy Nate" is what they reply. So of course he insisted it be on his stocking.

Oh sweet baby Demree, your presence is well noted in our hearts and home this Christmas.

Christmas Dresses...

2010-12-21T13:36:00.007-07:00

I swear that every year it gets more, and more difficult to get a decent picture of both of them in their Christmas dresses... it's like they know how bad I want it. ;) Anyways, here is the best we could get out of them... enjoy... oh, and Merry Christmas.

Yes they both ooze of attitude, personality, and spunk... it's wonderful. :)

Santa Pic 2010

2010-12-14T16:15:00.000-07:00

The first weekend in December my good friends, Ally and Brooke, took my kids with them and their kids to see Santa and Mrs. Claus. I have yet to miss a year of my kids getting their picture taken with Santa, and thanks to Ally and Brooke this year is no exception.

Wow Mr. & Mrs. Claus... you were troopers!

From left: Daxton, Logan, Maeci, Jordyn, Cashlie, & Marlee

All Moved...

2010-12-13T14:10:00.003-07:00

So we are all moved into my parents house, and we are scheduled to close this week. We we are now working on getting settled. After losing Demree and moving, I feel as if I am void of emotion. I am currently walking around in a haze. I believe this haze is here to protect me from the rush of emotion that is soon to take its place, because if that emotion sets in I will be more useless than I already am right now. So for now I will keep plugging along, and getting done as much as I can. Thanks to all of our wonderful friends, and family who are filling in during my absence of productivity.

Deck the Halls & Stack the Boxes...

2010-12-09T09:00:00.001-07:00

Well, I meant to share this news sooner, but due to our past week of events, better late then never...

So we have a big surprise to share. One big, CRAZY surprise... drum roll... our house is currently under contract to sell, and we are scheduled to close on December 16th. Yep that's right, we will be moving out before Christmas. So instead of decking the halls, we've been busy boxing up our home... not near as fun.

Our current plan is to move in with my parents for the time being until we find what we are looking for. We are determined this time to find exactly what we are looking for, and not rush. We are hoping to be at my parents no longer than six months.

At this point I am taking it one day at a time, and trying not to get overwhelmed. I am excited for this opportunity for a fresh start, and extremely grateful to parents who are willing to make such a sacrifice for us. So tis the season for crazy... lots and lots of crazy. ;)

Our Loss, Our Angel...

2010-12-07T21:55:00.006-07:00

From the beginning...

On Wednesday, December 1st, I woke up feeling agitated. I felt over whelmed, annoyed, and I know even my girls sensed it. I attributed this to the stress of our upcoming move (more on this another time), and all that I needed to get done in the next two weeks. I knew I had an appointment with my OB later on, but I was nervous to go. Considering I was just over eighteen weeks along, I thought I should be feeling my baby move more. I had flutters, and bumps every now and then, but nothing consistent. I expressed my concerns to both Nate and Kath, but I knew Nate had a busy day at work, and Kath was watching my girls, so I went to my appointment alone, as I had done before.

After waiting for almost an hour for Julia (my OB), because she was behind from a delivery, I finally got into the room for my ultrasound. Before we started I explained to her my concern over my baby's lack of noticeable movement. She said it could be that the placenta is in front, and that she would take a look for sure. Usually when she starts my ultrasounds she cuts straight to the sound of the heartbeat. This time she did not. Instead she was concentrating on taking several measurements. She asked again if I had felt the baby move at all, to which I replied yes, just not a lot, and not recently. She then told me she wasn't finding a heartbeat. At this moment I felt the blood rush from my face. She waited a second longer to see if it would "start back up", but nothing. She then checked the cord, and informed me there was no blood flow. The baby was measuring 18 weeks gestation, so what ever happened she believed it to be recent. Tears ran down my face as she explained what we needed to do next. I remember her telling me this was not my fault, that we would know more after I delivered the baby and the placenta, and yes, I was too far along for a D&C and I would need to deliver the baby. I was also told this would take 18-24 hours because my body was far from ready to deliver. I then asked her to look one more time at the ultrasound to see what we were having, since we had chose not to find out. She agreed, and looked at the best angle she could and said she was pretty sure it was a girl. Julia then left me to myself with instructions to talk with my husband to see when I wanted to go to the hospital to deliver our stillborn baby... our daughter.

Through massive tears I called Nate and my mom from the room at the doctors office. Nate agreed to come get me, and apologized for not being with me. Kath made arrangements for my girls to be taken care of for the night. When I left the doctors office I told Julia's MA that we wanted to get started as soon as possible. She said she would call with a time after she talked to Julia. I then left the building, and sobbed in my car. Looking back it is hard to believe this was a real moment in my life, and not a dream or a hoax I had worked up in my head.

Nate's dad drove Nate to me, and we hugged in the parking lot. I then asked to be taken to my mom's to see my girls... I needed their loves. By this point the doctor's office had called me back to tell me to be at the hospital at 7:00pm. This gave me hours to wait, cry, hug my babies, cry, cry some more and receive a wonderful blessing from my husband and his dad. This gave Nate time to gather my things, call and tell a few people, and hug our babies... he takes such good care of me.

Next Nate, me, and Kath headed to the hospital as instructed. At 8:30pm they then started me on my first dose of what would be several doses of Cytotec . This drug is what they use to thin and dilate your cervix. I then proceeded to spend the next 27 hours waiting, cramping, crying, being "checked", being freezing with fever chills, being hot when the fevers broke, and in the end just being finished... physically, mentally, and emotionally finished.

Around hour 26, Julia came to check me, and see what we could do to get this moving. When she did I was finally dilated to a one, and she decided it would be best to break my water. I had mixed feelings about this because I had heard babies in such a fragile state held up better if they delivered in their water sack, but at this point we really needed things to progress since I was past the 24 hour mark. Immediately after she did this the "real" contractions started frequent and hard. I had thought about doing this naturally, but Julia suggested an epidural in case my placenta wouldn't separate and she had to go "fetch it". If this ended up being the situation and I had an epidural she would do so in the room, if not she would have to take me to surgery. This would mean precious minutes or more that I would not get to spend with my baby, and that was not an option.

On December 2nd, 2010, right around 11:53pm I delivered our celestial angel, Demree Ray, with no pushing or pain. None of us were quite prepared for the unannounced way she came into this world. Due to the epidural I had no feeling and I was exhausted, so we didn't even know for at least twenty minutes that she had made her entrance. At first this was very difficult for me, but I decided not to waste precious time dwelling on guilt and circumstances we couldn't control. We also were unprepared for how tiny she was, and the strong rush of emotion for all of us that her arrival brought. We knew she would be small, but she was SO small... 7.5 ounces and 7.5 inches long.

She may have been tiny, but she was perfect with all her tiny little features... ten tiny toes, ten tiny fingers, all with tiny nails. She had Jordyn's nose, a tiny pink tongue, and she came out with her hands crossed in her lap... such a lady. She looked peaceful. When Julia got there she informed us that Demree had suffered a "cord accident". The cord was wrapped around her neck three times, her neck was constricted and bruised, and her head was slightly swollen. There was nothing we could have done to save her and sometimes this is helpful to know, but at other times for a control freak like me it just feel helpless.

We all took our turns holding her before Nate's dad arrived to help him give her a blessing. Nate gave our baby daughter the most beautiful, inspired blessing I have ever heard. I then just held her on my belly, trying to take her all in, and make a lifetime of mental memories since I knew our time together would be brief. Share (a non-profit group to help mothers with pregnancy and infant loss) arrived around 3:00am to take molds of her hands and feet, and a professional photographer took pictures of her for us as well. These women have all suffered the loss of a child, and they were definitely angels in human form. The level of compassion they showed to us as complete strangers was the most Christ like act of service I think I have ever witnessed. I only hope to eventually be able to pay their love forward.

After Share left we knew it was time to call the mortuary. As much as I would have loved to stay in that room with her forever, her little body was deteriorating by the minute. It was time to send her to a safe place until we could bury her in her final resting place. Saying goodbye before they took her away was incredibly difficult. We said a prayer with her, Nate, me, and Kath all took turns kissing her goodbye, and we sent her on her way. Oh how my heart and empty arms ached. The nurses let me leave about thirty minutes after Demree did. I needed to get out of there. Leaving the maternity ward at 5:00am empty handed was so hard, but I had an amazing support system with me.

Nate has been so wonderful. He holds me, cries with me, and just is there with me. I love him more now than I ever have before, which is amazing to me since I didn't know that was possible. My mom, "my Kath", is as always our selfless supporter. I don't know what I would have done without her there. We feel so very loved by so many friends and family members. The texts, emails, phone calls, and facebook posts of loving thoughts and offers to help have been endless. Our sincerest thanks to you all.

Today, December 7th, 2010, we had to do something I hoped we would never have to do... we had to bury our child. Nate and I went to the mortuary just the two of us before the graveside service to say our goodbyes to Demree and "tuck her in". She looked so perfect in her little white dress, hat, and booties that Nana had made. We both held her again, left letters from each of us in her casket, took pictures with her in her casket, made sure her clothes were not bunchy and booties were in tact, and all together just took the time to take in her peaceful presence. We then said our final goodbyes, and drove to the cemetery.

We chose to have Demree buried in the "Baby Land" portion of the cemetery. It brings us great comfort to know that she is surrounded by other perfect, little beings as herself. Nate's dad said some beautiful, comforting words, and then Nate dedicated her grave. Marlee and Jordyn, looking so beautiful in their Christmas dresses, then released balloons into the sky as a gift to our "Baby Demree". After they let the balloons go, they quickly ran through the cemetery to get a better look as they drifted off to heaven. It was a beautiful moment of child like innocence that I never want to forget. It was all very fitting, and we felt very loved and supported by our family members.

So now we go back to "normal life", and trying to define what that is for us now. There is a void in our family that will not be able to be filled in this life, and that is our reality that we have to learn to live with. We are honored that the Lord would feel we are strong enough for such a trial, and that Demree chose us as parents. We love you Demree Ray, and will miss you dearly. We know you are in good hands with our Heavenly Father and our Savior, and we know we will see you again. For the time being, have fun playing with Carter and Addelyn. :)

First Snow That Stuck...

2010-11-30T10:49:00.000-07:00

On Sunday, November 21st, we had our first big snow that actually stuck to the ground. It was what I like to refer to as perfect "snowman snow"... wet and heavy.

I personally am not a huge fan of snow or playing in it, but my girls of course LOVE it. They were more than ready to suit up, and go out with Nate to play.

I joined them to take pics, and got roped in to making a "snow dragon". I personally wasn't up for this, and I also knew with church approaching we really didn't have time to embark on such a project. Nate referred to me as a "stick in the mud" and "a fun hater", so I helped as long as I could bare. Instead of a snow dragon we ended up with what I fondly refer to it as a "snow duck"... Nate was unimpressed.

In the end the girls had a blast, and I part way made up for being a stick in the mud by offering candy cane hot chocolate with ready whip on top for when they all came in... it was a hit. So instead of being a "snow mom", I am more than happy to settle for being a "hot chocolate mom".

In Loving Memory of G-pa Joe

2010-11-22T17:37:00.004-07:00

On Monday, November 15th, 2010, my G-pa Joe (my dad's dad) passed away at the age of 79 after several years of battling a worn out body. This is the first grandparent I have lost, so I am no longer part of the small club of adults who are lucky enough to have all their grandparents living. I had the privilege the Saturday prior to his passing to see him, and say my goodbyes. This peaceful interaction is a memory that I will always hold dearly, and I'm so glad I made the time to do so.

His funeral was on Saturday, and it was a wonderful tribute. I even read the obituary, and as long as you couldn't hear the shaky, nervousness in my voice I did okay. The graveside was FREEZING, but my G-pa was a veteran so he was able to have military honors with a gun salute and all. It was a wonderful honor that my G-pa would have loved.

G-pa you will be missed. Thank you for leaving us with a legacy of love, pride for our family name and country, and the importance of service. Much love G-pa Joe... till we meet again.

Scolded...

2010-11-10T14:08:00.006-07:00

Marlee goes to dance once a week for an hour. Sometimes I take advantage of this time with only one kid in tow to catch up on my grocery shopping. Since I have less than an hour once I get in the store, I tend to buzz along as fast as possible. Jordyn can make this challenging since she likes to "help" push the cart, "help" pick things off the shelves she thinks we need, and "help" put stuff in the cart even if it is far to heavy for her little arms to lift. Trust me, I am sure we are quite the site to watch.

So last night at the store while rushing along, Jor grabbed on to my leg. I of course kept moving along with her attached, until she stopped and scolded me by saying...

"Mom, stop and let me lub (love) you!"

Now who can argue with that?!! So there we stood in the freezer isle, Jory holding tightly to my leg and me rubbing her head. It only lasted a few seconds, but wow...

Fifteen Weeks...

2010-11-09T09:45:00.003-07:00

Yesterday I hit my fifteen week mark in this pregnancy. I am officially out of the first trimester... whoot, whoot! For the last couple weeks I am feeling a lot less sick. I still have to eat often, and my energy levels have no where near returned, but the feeling of being constantly car sick has subsided... for this I am grateful. I am also grateful that my children are young, and hopefully won't remember the sick, lazy, ornery, exhausted woman that has been their mom the last several weeks... sorry ladies.

I am also excited to report that two nights ago I'm pretty sure I felt the "flutters" for the first time of our new babe moving. Feeling my baby move inside my tummy is by far the best part of pregnancy, and what I will miss most with this being my last one. This I will miss, the pregnancy butt and acne I've acquired... not so much. ;)

Halloween 2010

2010-11-02T11:21:00.005-06:00

Here's our cheerleader...

Here's our Tigger...

Halloween went great this year with numerous opportunities for far too much candy! Halloween is just so much better when kids are involved. Our girls went trick-or-treating in our neighborhood, and did really well considering their young ages and the wet conditions... way to go girls!!

Now what to do with all this candy...

Bunkin' Up...

2010-10-26T12:45:00.001-06:00

As soon as I found out I was pregnant, well once I was semi-functional, I have been stressing a bit over all of the milestones I needed Jory to hit before this baby came... i.e. big girl bed, sharing a room with Mar, and the dreaded potty training (this one sends shivers down my spine). I know there is time for all of this to happen, but I also didn't want to overwhelm her by introducing her to too many "big girl" things at once.

This last weekend we bought bunk beds, and Nate had them set up almost immediately (over achiever ;). I was extremely skeptical of how this sharing a room business was all gonna go down, but so far I have been pleasantly surprised. Other than the fact they have both been waking up earlier than I would prefer, it hasn't been bad. As for Jordyn being unconfined in a big girl bed, I have been pleasantly surprised there too. She LOVES her new bed, and has even been napping in it. Not that she hasn't tested her boundaries, and gotten out of bed a couple times, but with a gentle warning reminder she stays put. She looks so cute and tiny in her bed... I just can't get enough of it.

So, big girl bed... check. Sharing a room... almost check. I still need to clean out closets, dressers, condense a little, and then move Jordyn's clothes over, but the hard part is over. Now potty training... one big fat UNCHECK! ;)

All Is Well... Again

2010-10-15T10:39:00.001-06:00

Nate always says, "A place for everything, and everything in its place." I know that Nate didn't come up with this theory, but it is definitely one that he lives by. Nate likes all his 'stuff' to be organized, tidy, and always back in its proper spot. I have come to realize that I feel the same way about people. I like to know that my family members, and friends are where they belong... safe, and accessible. Is this selfish? Yes, but it is how it is for me.

So you can only imagine the anxiety, and stress that comes over me when at the first of this month my parents left on a THIRTEEN day vacation to Europe. I really wish I could say that the anxiety only starts when they leave, but no not the case. I can build anything up in my head to be worse than it is, so by the time they do leave I am already an emotional mess. Add being pregnant into the mix, and well... you get the picture. Lets just say that I survived, even though thirteen days can very well feel like forty.

Now that the folks are back, everyone is where they belong, and all is as it should be, I am looking back at the last two weeks with a grateful heart. Here are my "shout outs" to everyone who made the last two weeks a little bit more bearable...

Thanks to my amazing husband who continues to amaze me with his patience, and willingness to take care of me. I am also appreciative for a wonderful husband's priesthood blessing that gave me the faith, and confidence to stay clam and take it one day at a time.

Thanks to my little brother, Jake, for taking on the bigger load at work with no complaint. This pregnancy and work don't always mesh, and Jake picked up the slack where I couldn't. Poor kid even had to watch me dry heave into the sink one morning... what a trooper!

Thanks to my wonderful friends who jumped at the chance to help me with my kids. You saved me so much mommy guilt in knowing that my kids were having fun, and being well taken care of instead of me not paying enough attention to them while trying to work. Again, thank you, thank you!

Last, but not least, I am thankful that I was able to get a girls weekend in last weekend too. It gave me something to look forward to, and a much needed break. Again, thanks to my wonderful husband for making that possible too... I am one lucky lady!

Third & Final Installment...

2010-10-09T09:00:00.000-06:00

Nate and I are excited to announce that I am almost 11 weeks pregnant with what we plan to be the third and final installment to our family! Baby #3 is due May 2nd, 2011, and if anyone is keeping track that is three due dates in a row in a four day period (Marlee-April 30th & Jordyn-April 29th). It's official... I have one fertile week a year, but hey, at least I know my body. ;) Wish me luck in trying to dodge two birthdays, and Nate's little sister's wedding on April 25th... I will need it!

Again, like the other two, we will not be finding out this babe's gender. This is one of Nate's favorite things in life, and I have to admit the payoff of all that anticipation does make for the ultimate surprise!

Unlike the other two, I have been sick this time. I have a constant feeling of "car sickness" all the time. Now don't go jumping to conclusions that this must be a boy, because I am not letting myself go there. Each pregnancy has been progressively worse than the last, but I wanted to make note of it for my records.

We are excited, slightly nervous, and anxious for this new adventure! We love the idea of having all our family members here, and accounted for. :)

Moving Forward To Greener Pastures...

2010-09-28T19:43:00.001-06:00

As I have mentioned before, we have had our house listed on the MLS for almost a year now. In fact our year contract with the flat rate realty company we used ends at the end of next month. We have had some minor interest in our house, and even one less than stellar offer, but for the most... not much action.

About a month ago we decided to proceed with putting in a yard. We wanted to do this as thrifty as possible, considering such things don't increase your house value by much these days. Nate, along with some help from his dad and brother-in-law, installed the sprinkler system. I am continually amazed at my talented husband, and his willingness to dive into projects to save us money. This is SO NOT my M.O.!! So I am also continually thankful Nate has a dad who has taught him so many skills, and that he is such a good student to retain such things. :)

After Nate completed the sprinklers we were able to sub out our curbing, final grading of the yard, and sod including installation. This part came together in a matter of three days, and it was awesome! As of two Saturdays ago our dirt was covered with that green stuff ya'll call grass. :)

I am trying to move forward, and accept that this is where we belong for now. Even though I am thankful for my beautiful home, and how close I live to all my old friends, it's still not always easy... truly who doesn't want to always be right, and get their way?!! With that being said, I am very thankful to have grass to help improve my perspective. :)

Preschool Started... Yea!!!

2010-09-14T14:07:00.001-06:00

Last week Marlee started her last year of preschool, and we were all more than ready! She is attending a second year with Miss Mary, and this year her cousin Halle is going there too. Since she went there last year, and was already comfortable with her surroundings and teacher, she didn't even need me to go in with her... so, so big!

On the first day of school Miss Mary instructed the kids to wear their "Little Lamb" class shirts. So of course we did, but below I have included pics of Mar's second day of school outfit, which is much more my idea a "first day" quality look! Enjoy...

I am in so much love with the knee socks... it's hard for me to contain my excitement!

Jor's New Bob Haircut...

2010-09-07T12:41:00.003-06:00

As per request, here are pics of Jor's new do. I think it frames her face perfect, and makes her hair look so thick. All in all, I'd say it's a winner!

P.S.- I just realized her face doesn't look the cleanest in these pics, and she is munching on an apple... oh well. :)

I Heart Swiss Days!

2010-09-03T19:02:00.004-06:00

Another successful overnight, ladies only trip to Park City and Midway for Swiss Days... check. Treasures found this year include rod iron flowers for my mantle, new hair clippies that will work well with Jor's new bob haircut, a car seat cover for my friend (almost as cute as the ones my sis-in-law Emilie makes), and new tutus for the girls from Mimi!

Wow I love this tradition (thanks Shaylee for joining in this year), and I love all you ladies more! Only 364 days til next year... count downs on.

You Know You're A Mom When...

2010-08-30T22:35:00.002-06:00

... you are putting on your jamma top before bed and a piece of Trix cereal falls to the floor, and you yourself haven't ate Trix in who knows how long... yep people, I have arrived. :)

Ready...

2010-08-23T11:12:00.004-06:00

I am SO ready for preschool to start in a couple weeks. I am ready for Kath to start bowling again, so I can take advantage of their free nursery, and actually get some work done. I am ready for Marlee to work out some excess energy in dance again. I am ready for new decor on my kitchen table. I am ready to be done swimming. Did I mention I am ready for preschool to start in a couple weeks?

This has probably been the most enjoyable summer since we've had kids, but I am ready for it to be over. ;)

Spontaneous Trip To Steamboat...

2010-08-18T23:01:00.003-06:00

Last Friday we headed out on a six plus hour drive to Steamboat Springs, Colorado for Nate's family reunion with his Dad & April and company. The spontaneous part of it all was that we didn't re-commit to going until the prior evening after work. We originally cancelled going to Steamboat a month ago so we could attend our ten year high school reunion, but we are very pleased with our decision to scratch going to our H.S. reunion (it appeared it was going to be lame), and spend quality time with most of Nate's siblings on that side (we missed you Meg!), and all of our nieces and nephews. This kind of spontaneity is rare for Nate and I, but we are glad that we just went with our gut. :)

Steamboat is very beautiful, with a real Park City feel... all you die hard recreational activity types would be in heaven! While we were there we floated down the river in a raft, went on a small hike to see some water falls, went swimming, played games, and ate and laughed with our large clan of family members. We had a lot of fun, and with so many people including fourteen children, there was never a dull moment!

Nate and I definitely didn't get parent of the year awards for our performance down the river. Due to the river being so shallow, we hit a countless amount of rocks that made the bottom of our raft go flat with in minutes. With no protection on the bottom of our raft, our bums and knees took a beating, and Nate and I did not do well with hiding our discomfort, and annoyance. Then on top of our sulky, agitated behavior I got dumped out twice, and that was the straw that broke the camel's back for Jordyn. I was fine, but she was SO distraught by that point from thinking her mom was drowning, that there was no calming her down. I was then tear stricken myself for tormenting our child, and that is when Nate got out, and walked the last mile with Jordyn. We definitely earned an "F" in putting on a happy face for your child's benefit on that outing. On a positive note, Marlee and I finished the rest the river by ourselves with very few hang ups... go girl power!

I am still shocked, and utterly impressed with how well our girls did with sleeping arrangements. Marlee slept on the couch in the living room area of the condo with her cousins (first time sleeping in a room with other kids), and she went to sleep every night with no complaint... it was wonderful! Jordyn bunked in with us, took naps regularly, and slept all night long! Lets just say I was one proud mama!

After the kids went to bed us adults would then gather to play games, and talk into the late or should I say early morning hours. This was probably my favorite part of the whole trip! I love a well spent late night, and a good game... especially when it's not being interrupted every other minute by the ankle biters. ;)

Now for the part you've all been waiting to hear my take on... the drive. Anyone who knows Nate and I know that we are kinda babies when it comes to driving great lengths. We don't just dislike it or wish we didn't have to... we HATE it! Our kids are part of our apprehension towards it, but really it's more us... we just HATE it! On the way there it went as good as a six hour drive could be expected. Jordyn only slept for forty-five minutes, and Marlee not at all (believe it or not, this was better than their sleep stats for the way home), but we made it with only slightly frazzled nerves. On the way back we had made it halfway, and just started back on the road after lunch when it occurred to me that this really was not that bad. I kid you not, that not ten minutes after I had this thought our a/c went out in the car. Not just a little out... COMPLETELY out! So we had to drive the second half of our trip in the mid day heat with no air! Seriously people... is it any wonder why I HATE driving places?!!

To end on a happy note, we have no regrets about our last minute plans to join or family for the reunion. We had such an amazing time, so much so that we even extended our trip by an extra day while we were there. Thanks Dave and April for all your efforts, and thanks everyone else for the memories. Broken a/c and all, we wouldn't change a thing. ;) Enjoy the pics...

Thirteen of the fourteen grand kids... little Davis was napping.

Nothin' like an over sized tee to make you look your best! April had these matching shirts made for the whole fam... I'm sure no one could tell we were Mormons. ;)

Marlee cheesin' it up in front of the falls! After she got over her "knees hurting" she enjoyed most of the hike. She is such a priss, and I have no idea where she gets it from. ;)

They both loved wading around at the bottom of the falls!

Summer Update...

2010-08-10T16:04:00.003-06:00

Wow, I rarely go this long without documenting something, but here I am almost two weeks from my last post. Honestly it has nothing to do with being too busy, but a lot more to do with having just a little somethin' here, and a little somethin' there to talk about... nothing big enough for a whole, entire post. So here goes my best attempt at a summer update...

:: On Pioneer Day we went to boat and beach at Pineview Reservoir with Nate's Mom & Dave, and family. We got there at around 9:00am, and didn't leave until almost 7:30pm! Needless to say it was a LONG day in the water and sun, but you would have never known it by looking at our girls. They loved ever minute, and thanks to their amazing skin tone and lots of sunscreen, they had no sunburns to speak of! We had a great time with family even though the water was rough, and the beach was being over taken with Hispanic festivities. ;) Note to self: Pioneer Day not the best day for the lake.

:: The last weekend in July, Mimi was nice enough to take our girls so Nate and I could enjoy a stay-cation without them. We went jean shopping, out with friends, to a movie, boating (where I got up wake boarding on my first try!), and I was even able to go out with my lady friends for a belated b-day celebration! It was a wonderful weekend, and we missed the little ladies like crazy, but missing them is a feeling we've both come to appreciate. ;) Thanks again Kath... they had so much fun they didn't even know we were not around!

:: Marlee and Jordyn are starting to depend on each others presence more, and more. Granted half the time they are fighting or teasing (this is mostly Jordyn, but who can blame her, she gets a huge reaction out of Marlee), but it never fails if one is missing, the other is quick to ask about her where abouts. I can see there sister bond is already forming. This doesn't mean I think they will always be best of friends, but I can at least tell they feel a sense of comfort from having each other around, and it's amazing to watch.

Well, that's all I can think of for now. Since cooking classes and play group have wrapped up, August really is our dead month. Marlee has still been hard at swim lessons, and making amazing progress, but I'll have more on that in the coming weeks. Yea for August! Such a fun month with so many fun things to look forward to!

"How Bout Them Cowgirls"...

2010-07-29T14:30:00.002-06:00

Last week the girls and I braved the heat, and went to the Pioneer Days Rodeo in Ogden with my parents, Jake, his girlfriend Shaylee, and his friend "Tony". I get gitty when I think about horses, farm animals, country living, and country music. It takes to when I was younger, and being at my grandparents house. There is a part of me who wishes I had all that now, but I also know I probably won't in this life, so any chance I get to share it with my girls I jump at the opportunity!

Pretty sure that I had the cutest, little cowgirls in the whole arena... don't you just love the boots?!!

All in all it was a pretty great time! Once the bleechers shaded over, the weather was quite pleasant. Marlee watched for a good part of it before getting tired, and laying on my lap. Of course she loved the rodeo queens the very best. Jordyn paid more attention to what was going on than I ever anticipated. She seemed to just be taking it all in. Lucky for Jor, Aunt Linda was there with my cousin Zac, so they took her to see the cows (they tried earlier to take Mar, but she said they stink... surprise, surprise), and they found someone to let her ride their horse, and wear a cowboy hat! She told us all about it several times. ;)

Thanks everyone for the good time, and helping me wrangle my little ones!! ;)

Stephenson Family Reunion 2010

2010-07-27T14:20:00.003-06:00

Two weekends ago we ventured up Logan Canyon to attend the two day Stephenson Family Reunion. Nate's G-pa & G-ma Stephie have a darling, little cabin there where all the reunion festivities took place. A good part of Nate's extended family were there, and it was really fun to catch up in person instead of just relying on each other's blogs. :)

Our girls had sooo much fun! Who can blame them?!! What's not fun about lots of little cousins, being outside, treasure hunts, bubbles, playing in the loft, and best of all... swings tied up in trees. Our girls literally would live on those swings if someone was willing to commit to a life sentence of pushing them.

Our only small set back was when Marlee's sweet little hand got burned on a hot dog stick that had just been in the fire. The stick was laying on a bench, and without realizing Marlee laid her hand right on top. I know, poor thing. It was even harder to see happen, because she wasn't goofing around with the hot stick, or playing too close to the fire. So I couldn't use it as one of those "Now, do you see why we don't (insert bad choice or action here)..." teaching moments. Instead it was a sometimes crap happens moment... I hate those kind.

It was a pretty good burn, and deserved every ounce of wailing she mustered up afterwards. She is now healing nicely, and I have been really impressed with how brave she was, and how little she has complained about it since... you're a rock star Mar!

It really was so much fun seeing all of you aunts, uncles, cousins, and little ones. I learn so much about all of you every time we get together, and I love it! So thanks for all the hard work and planning that went into this shin dig... it is much appreciated!

What We Want & What We Get...

2010-07-21T13:22:00.003-06:00

Have you ever wanted something really bad, but as far as you can tell it's not in the Lord's plan for you? If your like me, you have taken the time to explain to the Lord why this is right, but still nothing.

I have been trying to sell our house for some time now with no avail. I have several reasons, to which I won't go into detail, of why I feel this is right for us. Well yesterday I had a realization of maybe why we are not selling, even though I want it SO badly. As I was telling Nate about it, it was hard for me to even admit out loud that my realization, and my desire were even connected, but they just may be.

So what now? Do you give up completely? Some might say yes, but for me I am going to keep going down this path. I will keep it listed on the MLS until our contract is up at the end of October. This is because that is what I committed to in the first place, and the Lord may just be trying to teach me patience, as He has in so many ways before.

One thing is for sure after having this realization... I am completely submitting myself to the Lord. No more prayers of begging, pleading, or explanations of how I know best. I still want my way, but I at least have a little bit more of an understanding if it doesn't go according to MY plan.

"Puppy Spots"...

2010-07-12T20:33:00.002-06:00

Nate had his shirt off, because he was getting ready to shave and he hates the tiny hairs getting caught in his shirt, and Marlee said...

"Dad, why do you have puppy spots on your back?"

Since Nate has vitaligo, he has a few small white spots on his back where his skin has no pigment. We explained that her daddy is just cool, so he gets to have "puppy spots". One quality I don't mention about Marlee enough is that she is VERY observant... obviously. ;)

Ahead of Schedule & Great To Be 28...

2010-07-07T00:00:00.001-06:00

Well, today I turn the ripe ole age of 28, and honestly I am cool with it. I figure I am ahead of schedule with the plan I had for myself when I was younger. I always said I wasn't even going to get married until I was 28. Obviously this plan was laid out before I met my future husband in high school, but that's beside the point. The point is that I am ahead of schedule, since I already have a hubby, two kids, a dog, a house, etc. Therefore I am winning the aging game. Ha! Take that forehead wrinkles!

As promised above, why it's great to be 28...

I have a husband who takes great care of me, and loves to spend time with me.
I have parents who are proud of me.
I have brothers who still hug me often.
I have in-laws who still think I am the best thing that ever happened to their son.
I have friends who appreciate me for me.
I have a good sized list of people I can call who will do anything for me, and my fam.
I am healthy.
Last but not least, I have two amazing girls who allow me to be on the giving and receiving end of true, unconditional love... those girls continue to shape me into me.

Here's to livin' up what's left of my twenties... BRING IT!!

Keeping Busy...

2010-06-23T16:01:00.000-06:00

A couple months back I started to panic that Summer would be upon us shortly, and Marlee was going to be around every minute of every day. Not that I don't love having her around, but Marlee can be tiring. She loves to be entertained, and if she's not entertained she gets bored, and if she gets bored she gets obnoxious, and if she gets obnoxious she gets naughty. Summer break or not, I still work two days a week, nor do I have the energy to entertain her all the time... I was desperately looking for activities for her to do. So when my amazing friend Kristin, a former teacher who heads up our freezer meal group, decided to do Summer cooking classes for kids... well lets just say I jumped at the opportunity. So far Marlee is LOVING the classes, and I am loving her having something to do! ;)

How cute is she in her little hat and apron?!!

I also decided to get Marlee involved in a weekly play group... I told you I was panicked about the boredom cycle. There are five cute, little friends in the group and we all take turns hosting at our homes. This gives the mommies a nice, little break too... always appreciated. We have also mixed in a couple field trips to keep it interesting, and give the mom's some social time too. I have already taken my turn, and it went great (Marlee was my biggest challenge). It really is a great bunch of kids!

Here is our little play group (plus Jor) having popcorn/show time during our last half hour.
(From left: Brooklyn, Bailey, Marlee, Jordyn, Lincoln, & Lucas)

In my continued effort to shed a few lbs, and take better care of myself, I joined Pink Fitness for Women. It is located really close to home, has awesome classes (my favorite way to work out), and was only $30 for the whole summer! I am trying desperately to make my health more of a priority, but sadly some weeks it still takes a back seat. I am happy to report that I have tried Zumba, and I LOVE it!

Now all I need it to do is warm up enough (which is lots, since the pool has no heater) so we can get some pool time in at my parents house. I also plan on working in swim lessons at some point... am I over doing it yet?

Right Before Our Eyes...

2010-06-14T14:47:00.000-06:00

Marlee has had so many events lately that I have failed to record much about Jordyn. Which really is quite sad, because she is growing up so rapidly right before our very eyes. So much so that I feel like if I blink she'll be a teenager. Maybe that is just a second child thing, because you get into the day to day of having children instead of a child, and next thing you know... POOF!! Your baby isn't quite so babyish anymore. Well, that is Jor in a nutshell these days... all big girl!

Jordyn talks and jabbers all the time, and is actually quite understandable. She puts together new sentences everyday, and each new one puts a smile on my face as I hear her formulate the words in her own little way. My newest favorite is, "I wanna watch Supee Why (Super Why)"... I swear I smile every time. She is very polite, and often remembers her "peez" and "tank yous" all on her own. She knows how to count to ten without missing any numbers, and sings the ABC song with only a few large gaps in it. She is so smart, and I give her all the credit. She folds her arms for prayers, and says "AMEN" louder than anyone else in the room. She is still my superstar eater, a behavior that I have come to think of as my daily tender mercy. She is tough, but knows how to cuddle right into your neck, and melt you instantly. She thinks she is hilarious, but she must be because she makes me laugh daily.

We love you Jory, and please, please stop getting sooo big!

This is Jor in one more pic from Sand Hollow that Jeannie took... Oooo I just love this baby!

St. George/Sand Hollow

2010-06-09T15:44:00.002-06:00

Last week we decided to take an extended weekend, and take a little family trip to St. George/Sand Hollow. We went with our friends Rob & Jeannie, and Brett & Sarah as well as all their little ones. Brett & Sarah were kind enough to bring their boat so we could practice our mad water skills. ;) One very impressive thing... Marlee went wake boarding with Nate! As you can see in the pics below, she was very nervous, but she did it... and for Marlee that's half the battle. All this adventurous moment cost us was one piece of salt water taffy. Really who can blame her... salt water taffy rocks!!

Between the three of our families we have seven kids that are all really close in age. That being said I think our kids all did extremely well. Really for kids Sand Hollow is paradise... water, sand, and sand toys... what more can a kid ask for?!! Throw them some snacks here and there, and they're good to go!

When the kids were beached out, we loaded them up on the boat so they could go for a ride on the massive tube Brett & Sarah have. We had a small incident due to a front heavy load, and the rope broke that was pulling the tube. Of course both of my kids went under, and Jordyn went completely under the tube. This is one of the reasons I am lucky to have Nate... he's very calm (I was having a small heart attack back on the boat) in a urgent situation, and does what is needed even if on the inside he is freaking out a little. No harm was done, and those little life jackets are worth there weight in gold!

Myles & Jordyn holdin' hands... so cute!! Does my baby look exhausted or what?!! As always she was her tough self, and took being submerged by the water like a champ... really it didn't even seem to phase her. :)

Thanks everyone for an awesome time! We feel so blessed to have such wonderful friends to make memories with!

Marlee's Spring Dance Recital

2010-06-07T20:56:00.002-06:00

On Thursday, May 27th, Marlee preformed at her Spring Dance Recital. This concluded the season for Marlee's first year of dance. We were so thrilled to see her continued enthusiasm for dance, and the progress she has made since her first recital last December. Considering the fact she will actually get up on stage in front of all those people, and actually perform on command... well, it just makes us know we need to stick with nourishing this little talent. ;)

Marlee did much better on the second dance number her class performed than the first. This could be because she liked or knew the second one better, but I think it was because she was star struck by seeing all of her adoring fans when she first came out on stage! Marlee's entourage filled up two rows! Who really could concentrate on their teacher's commands with all those people to smile at?!!Thanks to all of you who came, because she noticed every last one of you. For several days after the recital she would list off all the names of those who came to see her. She felt so loved, and the look on her face when she first looked at the crowd was priceless. As a mother I could see her self esteem and confidence levels rising, so a special thanks from Nate and I for helping in this continued, ongoing effort in raising a confident, self respecting young woman... it really does take a village.

Marlee & Halle had to ride together to the recital. Marlee has LOVED having her best, little friend in dance with her!

When she first noticed us in the audience... all grins!

Second dance she was ready & all business... we really could see her improvement with this performance.

We love you Marlee... keep on shakin' it!!

Not Feeling Bloggish...

2010-05-31T22:23:00.002-06:00

Yep, that's right... I'm just not feeling bloggish. I'm not feeling the need to be witty, opinionated, emotional, goal oriented, or even to just plain document our events... like I said "bloggish". I'm sure this lack of enthusiasm attitude means I need to make some improvements in one or many areas in life, but for now I am treading water... and I'm okay with that.

So bare with me folks, and I'm sure soon I will be back to my bloggish old self. :)

P.S.- On a much more vain note, maybe my lack of enthusiasm is coming from the grow out process of my bangs... it's brutal.

Back To School...

2010-05-25T11:03:00.005-06:00

Tonight Nate is headed back to school! He is attending the University of Phoenix to get his MBA. I am so proud of his continued ambition, and the example of the importance of education he is setting for our kids. Now the pressure is really on for me to get my butt in gear, and go to school too... when the time is right. Hey, that's what your thirties are for, right?

Good luck sweetie! We know you will do awesome!

End of Three Year Old Preschool

2010-05-21T22:33:00.004-06:00

Well, Marlee is officially done with her first year of preschool. She has made so much progress, and Nate and I are so grateful we decided to do this extra year of preschool. Marlee LOVES classroom settings, and tends to flourish with all that structure. I have been so impressed with her teacher, Miss Mary, and can't wait to see what she has in store for Marlee this Fall as she attends the 4-5 year old class.

On Wednesday evening we went to Marlee's end of the school year program. All the kids were dressed up as the nursery rhyme characters that they had learned about during the school year. Marlee chose to be "Mary, Mary quite contrary", because of her love of flowers. We got her a bouquet of white roses to use as a prop. Good thing we did, because then at least she had something to play with during the entire program, since she chose not to sing a single song she had learned. Of course I was bummed, I had heard her sing a good chunk of those songs before, but Nate gently reminded me that I had expected too much of our daughter who doesn't dig big crowds, or being put on the spot. I know he is right, but you can't blame a mom for being hopeful. :)

We at least got a little smile at the start

And this was about the level of interest she showed during the program, but look at her hold up those flowers!

And here she is taking a little break towards the end... hey, it's hard work standing and doing nothing for twenty minutes! ;)

On Thursday morning Marlee and I went to her parent/teacher/student conference. We got to take home her binder with work she had done, talk about all she had learned, and get a few tips on what to work on this summer... I love getting some direction on stuff like this!

My only heartache came from finding out that some of the girls were not very nice to Marlee in the older class she attended (on Wednesdays Mar attended the year older class so she could go three days a week instead of two). They would purposely not play with her, and actually whisper about their plan to not include her. I realize that this had a lot to do with Marlee being the outsider, who they only saw once a week instead of three days like their other friends. None the less, it broke my heart a little as I realized how mean girls can be, and I have to raise two of them. :$

The good news is that Miss Mary noticed, and put a stop to it as much as possible. Another positive point is that Marlee was aware of it (she mentioned it to Nate and I a few times, and Mary said she could tell she knew), and still kept going to school with very, little complaint. I am proud of her for sticking with it, even though I'm sure it was discouraging at times.

There was one more thing I learned of Marlee that I found interesting. During toy time, Marlee always played with Barbies, and the Barbie house. If others wanted to join her, then great, but if not then she still played Barbies even if she just played with them alone. In some ways this makes her not very flexible, which I am well aware of, but I also think this makes her not easily persuaded. If applied correctly this could be a very valuable tool for her against peer pressure... or at least I hope.

We love you Marlee K, and can't believe how much you are growing up right before our very eyes!

Going Private...

2010-05-16T15:00:00.006-06:00

I really hate that I have to even say this, but I am taking this blog private. I had hoped I would never have to do this, but in the recent weeks I have received comments from people that have no connection to me what so ever. There is a part of me that is flattered that people who don't know me would even show interest, but first and for most I am a mom who needs to protect her family.

So as inconvenient as it is, I am going to make you all log in to read about all our craziness. Please leave your email address in the comment field if you want an invite. It doesn't matter if we are BFF's, please let me know if you want an invite even if we are just remotely acquainted. I will probably be taking it private in a week or so... so let me know sooner than later if you want to be a member of this oh so exclusive club. ;)

Thanks again everyone for understanding!

Too Hard To Compile...

2010-05-10T13:41:00.003-06:00

I do have a lot going on in and outside this head of mine, but I'm at a loss of how to compile it all. So here are some snip its of what's been going down around here...

:: I had a great Mother's Day where I felt very loved, and appreciated. I also feel Mother's Day is a great reminder to step up my mothering skills. So at the present moment I'm overwhelmed with thoughts, and potential ideas of how to do so.

:: Both girls went to the pediatrician for well checks. They are both growing, and developing beautifully. Marlee is average in her weight, and taller than average for height. Jordyn is still under average in weight (around 20th percentile), and taller than average in height as well. Socially they are both performing as they should be.

:: I am trying to exercise again. "Trying" is the key word here.

:: I am consumed with thoughts, and questions of our future plans. It has always been a struggle for me to live in the here and now, but it seems even more hard right now.

:: Marlee and Jordyn are playing together, and enjoying it, more and more. We still have our hard times, including the fairly deep scratch Marlee left on Jor's cheek this morning, but for the most part they like each other.

:: I am already hating not having a yard.

:: I had a great girls night sleepover with the women of Nate's family. We ate, played games, talked, and laughed a lot... good times.

I think that's all I can put together for now, but hopefully more exciting stories and events to come. ;)

Just A Theory...

2010-05-01T09:00:00.000-06:00

I once heard a theory that if you measure your child at two years old and then double it, that will be their adult height. Well I did this for Marlee on her 2nd birthday, and I also measured Jordyn's height a few days after she turned two. I want to record it here so that I can prove or disprove the theory in about fifteen years.

Marlee's 2 year old height: 33 1/4"

Marlee's theoretical full grown height: 5'6 1/2"

Jordyn's 2 year old height: 33"

Jordyn's theoretical full grown height: 5'6"

So I guess we'll see how it all shakes out. Personally I hope it's a little true. That would mean they would have an extra two inches on me, and what girl wouldn't love an extra two inches!